Men and women are playing fundamentally different games when on the dating apps.

Even unattractive women can go from clearing out their inbox to having 30 or 40 likes/swipes in a couple of hours, with basically no effort required on their part. If they are conventionally attractive, that number goes way up. Eventually, they'll run dry of the pool and it will slow down significantly, but there will always be more men cycling in over time. It's easy and effortless, but unfortunately it's not all rosy for the gals. There's a serious lack of quality in the hordes of horny men. If your objective was just to hook up with someone, you could easily reel in the most handsome guy who swiped on your profile, but if you want someone who is husband/partner material, you have to separate the wheat from the chaff, and that's hard to do when opening the app sometimes feels like a chore, even if it gives you a confidence/ego boost.

For men, on the other hand, it's mostly a numbers game. Sure, you actually have to try when you do match with someone, you skim their profile and look for something to hook onto and cold open hoping that they notice and appreciate that you took the time to read about them rather than just belting out "ey bby u want sum fuk?". But you can't get too attached to any one potential match - not getting a response or getting ghosted is quite common. Attractive men do not have it much easier, since there's so much noise in the system that unless you are that person's type, or an absolute unicorn, you still have to distinguish yourself through conversation and prove you are not a weirdo.

I agree with you though, paying to get your profile boosted, while obviously a good business tactic from the app devs, feels wrong and scummy. When I did it, I rationalized that I was simply paying for the service and it was not just me paying to be matched up with someone, or presenting a badge on my profile that says "I have enough expendable income to pay to be noticed".

I think we lost something when courtship shifted from real-life engagements to online spaces. Something fundamental to the chemistry of attraction and romance.

I guess I'm an elder millennial now. Got the greying hair and all.

I had pretty good success on the dating apps without paying. Location is a big factor. But also, as the saying goes, "the bar for men is in hell". I think just having a reasonable conversation and caring about her put me a tier above the average.

Of course, the apps are profit seeking machines that don't especially want you to be happy. They can work, but they're not trying to.

I'm pretty sure the apps algorithm didn't think I'd click with my partner. It feels very much "pretty close", like they wanted me to have a few dates and move on. But to everyone's surprise we really got on, despite things that superficially looked incompatible.

My main evolution in the past decade is I don’t blame women anymore. I just blame toxic social culture and predatory dating apps.

I know people who don't pay and do ok on the apps. I don't know if it's your area or your profile, but maybe try to get some feedback from women irl or online if you haven't already. I know a lot of millennial women got off the apps a bit back, so that might also be a factor.

I'm terrified of becoming an internet post now if I approach someone.

For what it's worth, I've generally only seen this sentiment from people who don't know how to behave around women. Maybe you're an exception, but most normal guys I know don't have an issue with that. They may be nervous to approach, but never out of fear of being lambasted online. If this is a real concern for you, I'd suggest reading some of these posts and just not behaving in the way they have an issue with.