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[Vent] Internalised transphobia and regret (lemdro.id)
submitted 3 days ago by to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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CW: internalised transphobia, regret, bitterness, just shitty thoughts Note: I'm enby and use they/them. When I say trans I mean 'not cis', not 'binary trans'.

Tap for spoilerI've accepted that I'm not cis since I was 13. At the time I would've said I'm binary trans. I'm not really sure how long I've "known". I do remember before that time, I occasionally read about trans kids socially transitioning, and it always made me irrationally angry and kind of sad. It isn't hard to image why, now.

I tried coming out to my mom a year later, it sucked.

Fast forward to now. I'm in my 20s, I feel ruined. I haven't come close to transitioning in any way. I feel utterly disconnected from being a man or a woman. I don't want to go on HRT because I feel like I have too much to lose. I don't want to be perceived as trans. If I'm to ever transition, I'd be doing it for myself, and I don't think I could ever be satisfied.

These days I mainly experience really intense bottom dysphoria. I'm not sure how I would ever go about getting surgery because I haven't been able to get myself to properly bring it up in therapy in years. They know I'm not cis, it's in my file, but I never get asked to elaborate and it's just too hard to talk about anyway. Especially since most therapists ive seen were women. Plus, I don't know what bottom surgery would be like without HRT. At this point, I wish I could have HRT minus the obvious physical effects.

I don't like being in trans spaces, or honestly around other trans people at all. It makes me really really dysphoric. It's lonely. I'm scared that if I attempt to transition, I'll become my own trans person to be around, making me more dysphoric, not less.

I hate being called transfem. Not only because I'm not "fem", but because it implies my agab, which is no-one's fucking business. I'm just nonbinary.

In general I'm also in very male-dominated spaces (read: compsci). Most of the women in my life are trans women. This is strangely enough very invalidating. It just makes me feel like what I do is a result of my birth defect

I feel fucking worthless. I'm not proud to be trans. I just hate being a man. I feel like I'm doing other trans people a disservice by not getting help that I can't get or afford, just because my self-loathing turns into other-loathing eventually.

There was a time where I experimented with names and pronouns with my friends. The only time it didn't feel like they were "just pretending" is when all communications were suddenly textual for two years. After that it was right back to every "they" or "she" feeling like a lie to my face. It was worse than being misgendered.

I once made someone cry because I said that if I were born a girl, I wouldn't have been non-binary. I feel like that sums it up pretty well.

Sorry if these kinds of vents are commonplace. As alluded to in the spoilered section, I am not really active here. Just needed to get some shit off my chest.

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[–] 3 points 2 days ago

Mtf (temporary) and fem (as goal) are not Your spaces? so? There's lot other spaces on the spectrum! Honestly, there's so many versions of enby, I never even tried to learn about them all, it's crazy. Crazy in awesome way, so everyone can find, or even make own space, to feel, to live comfy with. Either finding the very best one, or throwing away every bad ones is a valid way of searching - You getting closer and closer to, or maybe You building that self. Hope You get lot's of fun discovering that place, and super comfy spot at the end.

Some ways of being self, hrt affects our minds (emotioooooonnsssss) and/or bodies... Yes, it is not "and", but sometimes may be "or". I'm no expert, please don't base on this! Afaik, T(masculine) hormone is the dominating one, if it is in our body, then E(fem) hormone barely can do anything to our bodies and E effects on our minds are also limited. That's very shallow knowledge, slightly rumoured, but with some support, maybe there is a way that could satisfy You?

For the part of feeling bad among others. Being or not being this or that queer is only small part of ourselves. Far not enough to makes us like each other, while there's 9569345432695 other aspects that may divide us. They are too young/old, they like the thing I don't, their political view, coffee vs tea on the old town market square... Lil personal, I've decided to leave some trans communities of awesome peoples who helped me af, because of their politics that was unacceptable to me, listening and talking about daily. Unsure I should write that... don't want to be bitching, maybe in a good faith as example? Even here on c/mtf, I often having mixed feelings, I'm jealous of success of so many beautiful peoples in front of me. One day, they gives me energy to do my own run, other day I'm downed that I won't be alike, ever... Yeah, we are different on so many ways, one or few aspects unite us - being queers, non-cis, followers of Blahaj.

Third side, Your parents, possibly doc, gov office put You under this binary, amab label at start. You already know You're not that amab. You already did move Your spot on the spectrum, from cis amab to anywhere else, with possibility of more moves in the future. By definition and all best wishes, that's trans already. Sorry, not sorry. I call thee, do not be afraid of that, of the word. As earlier, that's just one aspect of us and probably You're not same, or maybe even similar to others (that would be boring).

Finally. Thank You for picking this trans space, forum, to bring Your topic. For Your trust in us.

<HUGSIES> Beautiful enby.

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