dumples comments on I'm having obsessive worries over past kinks, and it's somewhat debilitating.

[–] dumples@piefed.social 5 points 2 weeks ago (4 children)

You seem to have some sex shame related to what you want sexually. Nothing wrong with having hangups about that since it's pretty common. Nothing wrong with having kinks even those that are out of the mainstream or even dark. As long as you find a place or person(s) that they can be done safely and consensually nothing wrong with that.

Some current research suggest that kinks have an inborn characteristic similar to sexual orientation. This inborn part does then attaches to some cultural symbols or stimulus.

So relax about what you like and find a way to get it healthy in you life. Sex made you and is more powerful than you. The number of people who have been brought down by ignoring this fact is innumerable. I would recommend reading and listening to Dan Savage. Hearing about other sex positive people's life and problems can give you some perspective.

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[–] Aedaz_@lemmy.zip [S] 2 points 2 weeks ago (3 children)

Thank you for your kind words.

But let me say that while I do feel a lot of shame over having been so immersed in porn and kink, it’s less about that, and more about the content itself.

I never actively sought out illegal material, and made effort to avoid it. But some of this stuff may have gotten close to the line, at least morally if not legally. And part of the kink was to share it mutually with other people. And my worry is that somewhere in all that time one of the people I DMd with may have not been truthful about their age. I can’t know that’s what happened. But to me it feels within reason to say the chances of that were not 0%.

So I’m just grossed out with myself and worried.

I’ve been told it sounds like OCD. Was not aware it caused this sort of thinking. So I’m just not sure what to feel about myself, or how guilty I should feel.

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[–] dumples@piefed.social 2 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

Be careful with people's diagnosis online. Everyone has some characteristics of OCD, AHDH, etc. so you need a licensed therapist diagnosis you.

So it seems you are mostly worried that part of your sending of porn went to someone underage correct? You aren't in charge of other people. If someone lied about their age how could you have known? You aren't checking IDs (nor should you) so it's not in you. Even if you did send porn so what. These people were dedicated to finding porn with or without you. They were going to see porn if you were there and not if you don't. I know I was looking for porn before I was 18. If you were purposely sending porn to a 12 year old to groom them that would be a problem. You were meeting these people and weren't targeting specific people.

You are feeling guilty about what you did. That's okay. You will need to give yourself forgiveness about it.

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[–] Aedaz_@lemmy.zip [S] 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

You’ve been really kind. I appreciate it.

I guess what’s done is done. And I can either worry or not worry going forward. I’ll do my best to not.

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[–] dumples@piefed.social 1 point 2 weeks ago

At the end of the day you were just watching and sending porn. Which is something pretty much everyone does everyday. There's much worse things you could have done. (Gestures broadly at everything).

Take comfort in the fact that "bad" people don't worry about their actions. The fact you are worrying means you are ethical. We should learn from things that feel like that aren't who we want to be. Accept that we have the capacity to do that and vow to change it.

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