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Why do I feel so wrong...? (lemmy.zip)
submitted 3 weeks ago by to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
NSFW 9 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

This is going to get pretty NSFW.

Since I've dicovered I'm trans, I have gradually become more and more feminine in my demeanor and in my mind. I've spent 30+ years of my life believing I am a man and supressing any and all gender envy as gross and weird. I've had to sort of teach myself femininity. So I've done things like actively try to replicate feminine posture, and listen to "girly" music.

I know "girly" things don't make you a woman, but for me they were something to latch on to and practice, and I do genuinely like them. There were years and years of seeing women be able to enjoy certain things while people around me, as well as myself, were saying that it was wrong for me to engage. And I finally feel the freedom to do it. I'm changing in both demeanor and ways of thinking about things. And it all feels right.

However...there are certain things that are still very "guy-like" about me. My interest in porn is very male centric. I still make use of a male masturbation toy at times. And I feel...gross about it. I know I enjoy it. But I feel weird for enjoying it now.

Also...when I browse online store for underwear. I thought maybe starting to wear some bras and panties would help me feel girly before I start to move into a more committed transition. Well as I'm browsing, I sometimes start getting a bit aroused. There are some cute looking stuff out there, and its all just really new and exciting. And I feel weird for being excited. I start doubting myself like "Oh no, is this all just a kink?"

If I could snap my finger and have the body of a woman - with the stipulation I could not wear women's underwear - I believe I still would. All the same, the more I explore clothes, and practice posture, or my voice, I can get really horny and feel like I have to go masturbate before proceeding.

So I listed a couple things going on here. For clarity: My weird feelings come from a mix of naturally finding guy-centered porn enjoyable, as well as intense need for orgasm when exploring my femininity.

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[–] 2 points 3 weeks ago

As others have mentioned, it's very common to feel arousal when looking at or trying on clothes that are affirming. I think its because experiencing gender euphoria is oftentimes mislabeled by our brains as arousal until we gain the reference points to be able to separate the two feelings. Essentially, its like "wow, this makes me feel good and have positive feelings about my body, that must just mean I'm horny". Regarding kink in general, I was just having a discussion with a friend about how it seems kink and sex positivity is very prevalent in trans communities because we are so used to a life that makes our bodies feel horrible, or makes io feel awful about our bodies, that we're hyperaware of and more willing to chase what makes them feel good.

Give it time, I'm sure you'll get it sorted out. You may find that, actually, it is just a kink and you dont want to pursue transitioning. You may find that it starts to make more sense the more you do it. That journey is all valid and it's nothing to be ashamed of. I know it may feel that way, but it's a result of the anti-trans propaganda that attempts to label us predators and perverts. There is nothing wrong with trying to find what makes you happy and comfortable.

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