Perhaps if I'm being more honest, receiving a blowjob to me represents one of the most vulnerable things I can possibly do, because my partner would be getting to know me on a very intimate level by feeling and tasting one of my most sensitive areas. I've never really understood why fellatio is widely considered some kind of performance, because to me, the real intensity lies in that level of intimacy, and a slower, more sensual pace with more attention to detail amplifies the experience.

I'm terrified of being that vulnerable, so I would often tell myself things like "women don't enjoy giving oral" to reassure myself that the threat wasn't real. But I have since passed the denial stage and I am trying to emotionally prepare myself for it.

So, it's not just telling a partner "Hey, I like a slow and gentle pace," it's more like "I am telling you the most intense and powerful thing you could ever do to my nervous system, and I am trusting you to use that power responsibly."

Is that what "getting head" means to most people, or is it just me?

Porn for women is amazing and it's the only thing I want to watch now. If not for the gentleness, then for seeing women's sexual desires for men from their perspective.

I used to justify my avoidance of women by arguing that they don't desire men and are coerced into sex on a universal scale, but seeing those videos forced me to admit that I am actually just afraid of getting my dick sucked.