I'm very sorry you went through all of that. Have you ever spoke to a professional about these things? Mental health is a difficult journey, but if you truly do want a relationship, I'd wager you'd eventually find some success in therapy and more life satisfaction in this area.

One of the things I will say is that the specific type of therapy also can be important. I found huge success with a type called DBT, but I don't actually think this would help you out much here.

Look for trauma focused therapies. Ones I've heard of that night ne world looking into are called EMDR therapy and internal family systems therapy. One of these may be a decent starting off point. I'm sure there are others out there too to investigate, but these are some of the ones that I've come across.