childcare is about 3K a month max in a HCOL. even with 2 kids that's 6K a month.

if you both have degrees in tech in your 30s, you should both be making like way more than 6k a month. neither parent should stay home, unless it's a lifestyle choice. i have known a few people who did this. a dual income tech couple should be pulling in well over 200K/yr

and yeah if you are poor because of lifestyle choices... that's not struggling. that's you choosing to make less money than you could. or i suppose you could be 24 or something and both be making 60K, but why you had kids so early is against a lifestyle choice and your struggle would again be self-imposed.

and by the sounds of it you very much could afford a cheap least or car payment. a lease on basic hybrid civic is 250/mo or so. sounds you aren't open to leasing a car though and think you have to purchase it outright.