There's some really good general wisdom in Come As You Are about responsive desire, which applies to most of us, but also just one paragraph dedicated to transfemmes saying, "I don't know what your answers are, maybe there'll be another book for you someday." And the rest of the book centers cis anatomy. So definitely go in knowing that, but it can still be helpful.

There's also a PDF zine that's called "Fucking Trans Women" that offers more specific info about us. Those two are a pretty informative combination, but hopefully something more comprehensive exists in the future.

And you're definitely not broken. So many of us deal with the exact same thing. I hope you find the answer your looking for too.

The worry and anxiety about it makes it worse like a bad cycle but I eventually got through it so I believe in you being able to as well. You might have to focus more on you first, play music, or read a smutty book or take a bath or anything to pamper and kinda set a mood for yourself. Partner comes after that, I found a partner made the anxiety worse in the beginning. You want to avoid the 'brakes'. Try to avoid the pressure of having to perform.

I turned out to have a strong pelvic floor that had a lot of trouble relaxing and so exercises like deep breathing through the pelvic floor helped and I still use it. One go-to for me is doing a happy baby yoga pose and deep breathing in the pose. I had to use dialators at one point for point release. It was a whole process! It's hard to know if your pelvic floor is too tense or not strong enough or a mix of both, there was this subreddit I use to read a lot about it. Fuck reddit but they had a community for everything lol.