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How to handle people using they/them instead of gendered pronouns? (piefed.blahaj.zone)
submitted 4 months ago by to c/trans@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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This is something I’ve noticed a lot among well-intentioned people who aren’t trans themselves. When talking about a trans person, especially in the context of talking about them before and after transitioning, they’ll use they/them instead of she/her or he/him, as the trans person in question goes by.

It always kind of rubs me the wrong way, because like, unless they want to go by they/them, it’s still misgendering, right?

But I also always kinda feel awkward correcting the speaker on someone else’s behalf, because maybe they do go by she/they or they/he, and I just don’t know. But it feels way more common that it’s someone who doesn’t feel comfortable using she/her for a trans woman, for example.

I don’t know. Am I overthinking this? How do y’all handle situations like that?

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[–] 65 points 4 months ago (6 children)

If you don't know the individual's preferred pronouns, using they/them is perfectly fine. This comes from a proper grammatical standpoint and a spot of caution.

Think of it this way. They/them may not be their pronouns, but its FAR better than misgendering them with he/him or she/her.

My two cents.

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  • [–] [S] 17 points 4 months ago (4 children)

    Oh, totally! I meant it more like if someone knows that a trans woman goes exclusively by she/her, but chooses to refer to her by they/them. Still better than using he/him! But not quite right, if you know she doesn’t use they/them, you know?

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  • [–] 11 points 4 months ago (1 child)

    The thing is, linguistically, everyone is a ‘they them’. Just like how you are always a ‘you’ and I am always a ‘me’.

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  • [–] 9 points 4 months ago

    I think correcting them is reasonable. If they are an ally, they will take it in their stride, correcting themselves and moving on.

    Additional context for this perspective: I am a cis woman who uses she/it pronouns. It makes me feel uncomfortable when people use they/them for me, because it evokes a gender anxiety in me, similar (but distinct from, obviously) to what a trans woman might feel if someone used they/them pronouns for her. I did "try on" they/them pronouns for a while, way back, and it made me feel deeply uncomfortable in a way that made it clear that they weren't a good fit for me.

    Whilst I agree that they/them is better than he/him in this context (and there may be instances where the situation doesn't feel conducive to correcting someone), I also think that correct pronouns are correct pronouns, and incorrect ones are incorrect. Like, there is, in some sense, a clear binary here.

    A lot of progressive folk tend to default to they/them pronouns for people they don't know, and I have been very proud of myself lately for telling people that I use she/it pronouns, and politely correcting people if they get it wrong thereafter (I may stick to telling people she/her if I am in a less queer space). Given that I don't regularly experience gender dysphoria, the little splashes of dysphoria I feel when people they/them me are fairly tolerable. However, I have found that when I do check people on using the correct pronouns for me, it feels very good. I think it comes down to agency (especially as I am a cis person who has thoroughly interrogated the question of "Am I a woman tho? Because if you're not, that's totally chill — you have options", and concluded that I am, in fact, a woman. It makes it feel like more of a choice than if it was just foisted upon me against my will (I mean, it sort of was foisted upon me, but I put a load of stickers and spikes on my AGAB, and now it feels like mine)

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