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[–] 13 points 6 months ago* (4 children)

i really dislike what caffeine does to me. it makes me uncontrollably fast, and not really in an energetic way, just a rushed way. i also dislike the sensation physically. there's just something deeply off about being on caffeine for me. i get a visceral "this is not right" feeling, not like dread but sort of in that direction, and it takes hours to fade.

i guess it's because i feel the need to control myself all the time to feel safe, and caffeine takes away some self-control and makes me more impulsive. thus i associate caffeine with a vague badness, and hence the dread-like feeling.

or maybe it's my heart telling me it's a bad idea. i did have a heart valve repair as a newborn baby and maybe i should check it out again.

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  • [–] 2 points 6 months ago (1 child)

    Is that your experience when you have it in the morning or is it used to stave off sleepiness later in the day/night? Because that experience sounds a bit like me with sleep deprivation. "This isn't right" paranoia. I don't associate it with caffeine because I know it's masking the sleepiness and it's the sleepiness causing the paranoia. Like one time, I got paranoid that the face in the constellation of Taurus was watching me. Totally illogical and a sign to pack it in and quit stargazing for the night.

    I'm just curious. I drink it a lot. It's a tool. Whether it works or it's a placebo slotted into a natural cycle, I'll never know, because it makes me happy and I continue the routine.

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  • [–] 2 points 6 months ago*

    just whenever. i tried a glass of iced coffee in the morning for a while and that still negatively impacted me. but i also failed to mention that i am diagnosed with schizophrenia and medicated, which obviously feeds into the feeling of safety and delusory aspects.

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