Some of us laughed.

I was trying to extend the joke but then looked at everyone’s responses and decided it wouldn’t go over well

Mushedrooms?

for larger bits of mushroom just cook them like you hate them before anything else. It's really difficult to burn them, so just keep cooking them until they stop screaming and then add them to liquid as late as possible. The thing that makes them slimy is cooking them in moisture, so by doing this you will guarantee that they don't become slimy

For me even that isn’t enough. I love the taste in something like hot and sour soup, but anything more than soup is just a horrible experience