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Lemmings who made it out of incel-dom, what advice would you have to your previous self? (poptalk.scrubbles.tech)
submitted 1 year ago by to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world
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I made a similar post a couple of years ago, but I think it's time again after seeing a few nice-guy/incel posts here. So, guys who have made it to the other side, what would you say to your previous self? I'll leave my own personal answer in a comment below.

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[–] 45 points 1 year ago (7 children)

I didn't fall all the way down the incel rabbit hole. I was a "nice guy" and I was on 4chan around that time. I found the memes making sense, but I had a loving circle of family and friends who were a life line. I was also never as entitled; my take was always if women didn't want to date me that was something wrong with me. So maybe I do not qualify. But I understand Incels.

  1. This is the most important. Not everyone you want to kiss is going to want to kiss you. That's just normal. It's part of life. Many people will and many more won't. Don't be weird.

  2. Ask you friends about the kinds of women they like (I'm assuming Incels are almost all strait guys). I almost guarantee most of them will have different preferences. Look around at the people you know with partners. The whole spectrum of people out there have all different kinds of partners. You don't have to be a Chris Hemsworth type, or a Taylor Swift type. Most people aren't professionally hot, and they still date and fuck all the time. Re calibrate your expectations, for you partner sure, but also yourself.

  3. Be more interesting. You may not need to be beautiful but you have to have something to demonstrate you're a complete human being outside; jobs count but not for everything, unless you have an interesting job (for example I was an EMT). It why people try to meet people dancing; you're demonstrating mastering of useful skills (presumably dance). I've taken several writing classes and never fail to get laid. Same goes with my Hebrew classes in college. You demonstrate a skill in an impressive way, and you're putting youself in the vicinity of new people of might want to kiss you.

  4. Learn to talk to people. Honestly, what probably saved me the most was when, when looking for how to talk to girls, instead of going on the internet and finding proto Tates, I went to the library and checked out a self help book by Larry King, How to Talk to People. People are usually quite happy to meet someone. Just introduce yourself. Learn to start conversation. Keep it moving. Find common ground. You can mention someone is attractive but don't make it sexual right away. Maybe it never get sexual. Thats okay. \

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  • [–] [S] 9 points 1 year ago (4 children)

    All great advice, thank you for your reply. 4 hits hard for me too, for too long I thought as women as "others", and I didn't know how to talk to them. It took me way too long to realize they are literally just people. Combine it with 3 and just have interesting things to talk about. Women like to geek out just as much as men do, and a man who can talk about what is interesting to him is way more interesting then "Ooooh a girl!"

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  • [–] 7 points 1 year ago (3 children)

    Absolutely. Even if it's something they don't understand. A lot of people just like this display of mastery; there is a domain at which you are at complete ease and confidence. I mentioned the hebrew class. I was running a study group. I learned it at a young age, and was mostly just taking it in university for language credits. Watching me take everyone's questions, simply, and patiently answering them over the course of about ninety minutes was what did it. A similar thing happened when I guided six people in created DnD characters. Yapping about networks. Home repair. When people talk about confidence, its what they mean.

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  • [–] [S] 6 points 1 year ago (2 children)

    Exactly, now for nice guys reading we aren't saying that everything is going to be interesting to every girl out there, but some confidence and passion about what you geek out on will be a winning combo for the right person.

    My wife and I geeked out for a solid hour on Lord of the Rings when we met.

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  • [–] 7 points 1 year ago (1 child)

    That's what people mean when they say 'be yourself.' It's useful advice for someone in their late 20s or early 30s, when your frustrated by jerks and want to find the right person.

    But it sounds useless to someone who is 16 and is trying to get the cheerleader to like him.

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  • [–] [S] 3 points 1 year ago

    Yeah, unfortunately remembering what it was like back then the hard truth is I couldn't find someone to like me before I even know who I was. I had to build my personality and who I was before I could uh, "market" it. But, try telling my greasy faced basement dweller self that I had no personality, I would have been dejected at that. No my man (referring to younger me), there is so much more out there

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  • [–] 7 points 1 year ago* (1 child)

    Ask you friends about the kinds of women they like (I’m assuming Incels are almost all strait guys). I almost guarantee most of them will have different preferences. Look around at the people you know with partners. The whole spectrum of people out there have all different kinds of partners. You don’t have to be a Chris Hemsworth type, or a Taylor Swift type. Most people aren’t professionally hot, and they still date and fuck all the time. Re calibrate your expectations, for you partner sure, but also yourself.

    I've noticed women seem to fall into the "one ideal body" kind of thinking quite often as well. Obviously, the resulting breakdown takes different forms than inceldom, but they're still plenty bad. I blame the media and advertisers.

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  • [–] 2 points 1 year ago*

    They absolutely do, maybe even more than men, because sexualization and body image issues are so reinforced among women to almost be completely normalized. The obvious differences are obviously due to the object-holder dynamic. Women are told they are pretty objects to be possessed, while men are told they are owed such objects.

    lol I'm not even a philosopher I feel like Im talking out my ass. I hope I'm still making sense. I'm also preeminently unqualified to give advice about to anyone except strait guys.

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