I was like this when I started dating. Popular media and family impacted how I viewed love and relationships, so accustomed to living with controlling narcissists I didn't understand what healthy affection looked like.

My first relationships were nightmares with similar people who reinforced those ideas. If I was approached by someone with a healthy, balanced mindset, I wouldn't know what to do with them.

Which is not to provide a solution, but rather some insight. In a sense it's a good thing you recognize a toxic situation before it begins, in another sense it can be lonely and frustrating, and I can commiserate from the other side

women continually declaring what they want in men, but not really wanting that.

That’s something I’ve noticed sometimes as well, and I hoped that there’d be women (or even some confused men or nonbinaries) answering this post and a discussion would follow which would help both them and others understand what they’re really after.

demand toxic behavior in a dating context

This is something I’ve seen as well, but I think of it as a separate issue as the previous one. If somebody wants a sugar daddy/mommy/whatever, that’s entirely different than an actual relationship.