Tl;dr version:

Take mushrooms in Amsterdam, say "it's not doing anything" and also take your sister-in-law's portion (turns out everyone is going to bed so you're on your own for this first psilocybin trip, which should make it easier to...)

Cry for five to six hours, finally lose religion and 80-90 pounds (over next 6-12 months), get medicated for ADHD (not currently, but sure helps), continue occasionally microdosing and/or smoking pot until everything finishes clicking.