This is an old picture from this past summer. I found it really funny (and kinda cute), so I wanted to post it, cause it gives me joy (the name of the community). Enjoy! :3

Yes, that is indeed me wearing a skirt, fishnets and a hoodie...early transition was wild 😭

Yep, on my 7th day of "getting off kratom", I relapsed. I don't feel bad tho. In fact, I'm much calmer than I've been this past week.

I know how addiction works. I know this is part of it. But the reason I relapsed is the reason I don't feel bad.
The first few days were pure depression. No motivation or pleasure from anything. It wasn't fun, but it was bearable. However, in the past couple of days, something in my brain switched. Instead of pure depression, my brain started alternating between depression and pure, unfiltered anxiety. And crippling anxiety at that...

I'm an anxious person. I know that. But this was honestly something different. Nearly every waking moment I was stressed af, literally shaking, trying desperately to be productive and distract myself. Being in public was torture. And when I wasn't anxious, I was back to being depressed. Honestly, the depression was much preferable, because I didn't feel the existential dread and all of my life problems towering over me, like I was gonna have a heart attack or faint all the time. This was by far one of the worst things I've ever experienced. And so I discussed it with my bf...

We struck a deal. One day of the week, I can go crazy with kratom. Otherwise I take none. That's the deal.
Honestly? I predict I'll feel great that one day and spend the rest of the week in withdrawal. But to be brutally honest, even that one day is worth it. Cause this anxiety...it's hard to put into words. It's pure hell. Always stressed, unable to relax at all, heart rate always through the roof, permanently in fight-or-flight mode. It's really hard to describe...but it's the worst.

Today is that day. I already had some. And right now, I feel calm. I finally don't feel like the walls are closing in on me constantly. I feel like I can do stuff without having a panic attack. I feel...good, honestly.

And that's it. I needed to get that out. You can judge me, call me a junkie or say that I'm just making up excuses to take drugs. All of those are probably true. But...I just know that I wanna live. I wanna make it through this winter. I wanna be somewhat "normal". And I want the SSRI I'm taking to kick in soon, to help me with anxiety at least a bit...

Honest to god, I've never judged anyone for their drug use. I don't think I've ever used the word "junkie" to refer to an actual person. It's common in my country, people look down on them, insult them, call them names and say how it's all their fault. I see them as people, cause they are. I honestly believe that they're not at fault. I think anyone can fall into a bad habit and people shouldn't be judged and dehumanized for that. But what do I know? I'm just a naive person who gives money to beggars on the street that ask for spare change, while all the people around me call them nasty names and insult them and dehumanize them and say that they should "just find a job"...

I've never judged a person for their drug use. And, even if it's naive, I'd like to be treated the same way I treat these people.
I can't force anyone tho ofc, so do what you want...I won't care either way.

Well...I think?
I woke up absolutely sure I was gonna just cancel the endo's appointment, pretend to be sick and stay at home. Buuuuut, I'm so glad I didn't!

He addressed my lactation concerns, confirmed high prolactin from my last test and took my blood again. He said that if this one came back high too, I'd have to get an MRI, which I'm really fucking scared of doing 😭

But, but! I asked him about prolonging my injection interval from 3 to 4 days. I was already doing that, I switched as soon as I saw my results, so basically behind his back (oops), but I just wanted to make sure he knew. He was absolutely fine with it, of course.

Also! This was completely unexpected, but he himself offered me the option of monotherapy! Which completely blew my mind, cause endos in this country fucking suck in general and are for some reason hellbent on prescribing 50mg+ of cypro any chance they get. I guess his reputation doesn't lie...
So of course I accepted, I've been looking forward to ditching cypro so fucking much. So byebye, overkill white pills! Oh and I can drink now, I guess?
Although, if my T shoots up, I'm gonna fucking die. But that hopefully shouldn't happen with 5mg EV every 4 days...

And also, I got an SRS referral letter for the Suporn clinic! Signed and stamped by my endo. Already sent the clinic an email, so hope that turns out okay. It's...really important to me. And now I'm (hopefully) one step closer!

All in all, great! I'm so glad I didn't just stay at home, lol. Although I was totally planning it. The lack of motivation and anhedonia from withdrawal is reaaaaaally uncomfortable. But...I think I'm doing okay 💜

Edit: I had one can of beer! And I'm drunk af, lol. Zero alcohol tolerance at all! I don't drink very often, either.

Yeaaaah...so both of my nipples started leaking. Which, in a weird way, makes me feel better? Cause having just one do it is kinda weird.
Also they hurt like wtf girls?

So I'm wearing a t-shirt for now, to soak up the tiny droplets which keep forming. It works, better than having to do it manually with a piece of toilet paper so freaking often, anyway.

This definitely isn't an infection, I'm almost certain of that now. For one, it's both of them leaking now.
And also...

All of this (in my opinion) points to high prolactin, which would make perfect sense in this case, I'm taking an SSRI (which increases prolactin), trazodone (which does as well) and cypro (which massively increases prolactin). I might bump my cypro dose down to 25mg every three days instead of two...
I think I'm fine, but I'm definitely getting an endo appointment now, just to make sure it's not a tumor. Even a benign one, having a mass in your head is not a good thing...

Other than my boobs hurting a lot now and leaking a milky substance...I'm fine tho. And I think that's a good thing.
The only thing that bothers me, is that as they grow, my nips are getting...well, I don't like the shape much tbh. But what can I really do?

Actually, I was surprised by this reaction of mine, but I'm actually kind of enjoying the milkage. It's...affirming in the grossest, weirdest of ways (sorry). I don't mind! Still, worth getting checked out. And I'll do just that.

I started thinking about this cause I'm currently going through kratom withdrawal myself, which is an opioid receptor agonist. I'm basically going through a very mild version of opioid withdrawal, which is certainly manageable, but not pleasant, with its flu-like symptoms.

So, opioid use disorder used to be (and still is) a huge problem in some countries. The stronger and commonly abused opioids, like heroin, morphine and fentanyl, as I understand it, are extremely addicting, but I'm no expert on this subject.

What I don't get tho...is for opioid use disorder, doctors prescribe methadone? Another synthetic opioid? Why? I'm genuinely curious.
From a quick Wikipedia read, it seems that methadone does cause addiction itself and withdrawal is actually longer than other opioids, that are used recreationally. Are the withdrawal symptoms less severe? Is it an effective form of treatment? I really do not know and I'm quite curious.

If someone had personal experience to share, that would probably be best.
But my question is basically: Methadone? Why the fuck do they prescribe that for opioid use disorder?

Sorry for the stupid question, I'm not very well educated on this subject and also really curious.

But (in my opinion) not like a man, lol. It's...almost like sweet onions, I guess? Just a bit sweet, but distinctly onion-y. Also, there's a bit of a sourness that gets stronger over time.

I'm not sure this is the mythical girl smell, in fact I'm pretty sure it isn't, but it's not bad! I know that body odor of any kind is socially unacceptable, buuuut...this ain't half bad. If I could keep this smell, I probably would. Although, I will be showering today.

Me smelling bad is no surprise. I spent the entire night either huddling under a blanket, sweating profusely or pushing the blanket away and freezing. There was no in-between. I'm certain this is at least partially the kratom withdrawal, because as with any substance agonizing the opiate receptors, the withdrawal causes flu-like symptoms. Also, my bf tells me I'm super warm despite me literally freezing, so I'm probably running a fever/temperature lol.

This definitely isn't man smell tho. Men smell...musky and literally just manly and...idk, bestial?. I smell like a sweaty human being. There is a difference. And I like it a lot. I prefer this so much to the nauseating smell my body used to produce pre-HRT.

The upside of this is that I actually changed the bedsheets in a loooooong time. I even hand-washed my silk pillowcase that I sleep on (yes, I know, I'm part of the problem, it really is a cruel material...).
I'm extremely low-energy rn, but still...actually doing stuff makes me feel a lot better. And that's a lot better than spiraling into mania and posting 18 posts on 196 in 4 hours.

Idk. I'm just trying to say that I smell different. I think it's the hormones, could be wrong. I'm not even completely sure that smells are gendered. But I like it. A lot. And that's the important part, I think.
Thank you all for being here 💜

Edit: Oh, I should have also mentioned...I haven't epilated my armpits in a while, so there's some hair there. Whenever I do tho, any body odor that I have is gone. Sooooo...this is actually entirely my fault, lol

I feel...well, languid is a fucking understatement. I have zero energy at all, but that's not important right now...

My left nipple is leaking again. It's always the left for some reason.
On my last blood test, when I was taking high doses of kratom daily and cypro, my prolactin was really high. I'm still taking cypro (25mg every other day or less, cause sometimes I say "fuck it"), but not kratom anymore. My E levels should slowly go down a bit, as I switched to 5mg EV every 4 days instead of every 3 days. But now, I'm also taking 10mg of escitalopram daily along with 25mg of trazodone, which apparently both increase prolactin.

Yesterday, after arousal and stimulation (sex), there was a drop of fluid on my left nipple, which has a very slight white or yellow-ish tint to it. After wiping it off, it kept coming back, about 3 or 4 times again, which is more than ever before. Today, I felt a slight wetness under my bathrobe, and there was another drop, although less than yesterday.

Idk if I should be worried. I don't know why it's just one nipple. My right one leaked once during my time on HRT, while my left has done it like three or four times in total now.
I'm trying to schedule an appointment with my endo and ask him what's up.

Should I be worried? Really worried? It may just be the kratom leaving my system and my prolactin levels normalizing, but I'm pretty sure both my SSRI (escitalopram) and my SARI sleep med (trazodone) increase prolactin. What do I even do?

Idk if I even have the capacity to be worried. The kratom withdrawal is hitting hard and I'm just so void of any energy...if someone wanted to do something bad to me right now, I'd have zero capacity or energy to resist. Even typing this post is really taking it out of me. It kinda sucks.

I'll get better tho. It was the right choice and I'm sure it's only temporary. I'll get through this! Here's hoping 💜

Or rather, when people ask me about my life in general. The absolute worst is when I'm doing something on my PC next to someone and they look at my monitor and start talking to me. I just can't do it...I completely lock up, freeze and try to breathe. I don't know what's worse, the gnawing feeling of someone's eyes on my monitor, which to me feels like a massive invasion of privacy for some reason, or the fact that I'm being disturbed, forcefully having my attention directed away from what I'm doing. It's why I strongly prefer to sit in a place where nobody can see my monitor, not even from a reflection. I'm not even doing anything I should be ashamed of, I just fucking hate the feeling, honestly.

This isn't new. Even at 10-11, when me and my mother were walking, she used to ask me about the book I was reading. And I just...froze completely. I felt like I was being interrogated for no reason at all. So I stopped talking. She got upset, ofc and I got upset too. And...that wasn't the only time this happened. Every time someone asks me about what I'm doing, I know they're gonna be upset, I know exactly what's going to happen...but it's always the same anyway. I just can't...talk. I don't want to. Why won't they just leave me alone? I hate it...

My current bf. I've told him multiple times to not ask me what I'm doing. I said that if I felt comfortable, I would tell him myself. Well...of course he doesn't respect that. Just like many other things I ask him to respect...
And every single time it's the same. He asks, I shut up completely cause I feel I can't tell him, he gets upset, I get upset and start crying and then we're just both pissed at each other...all because of me.
The monitor thing is even worse tho. I hate it with a fucking passion. Our PCs are next to each other (I have a laptop), but I do my best to always move to a place where he can't see my screen when he's sitting next to me. Because he always does...no matter how many times I ask him, no matter how hard I try to explain how fucking awful it makes me feel...nothing. So I sit away from him every time.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I'm like this. I just wish people would let me work and rot at my computer in peace. It's not like them asking will make things any better. With me specifically, things get much worse. And...I'm starting to kind of blame myself. This is definitely a me problem...

I love injections. I really do. The convenience, the high enough levels to do monotherapy and just the coolness of needles :3

But my OCD is the worst when it comes to life-saving medications 😭
I always worry if I injected all of the oil, if it didn't leak out, if I somehow won't make it leak out by using my muscles by walking, if I didn't hit the wrong spot...aaaagh, brain, stop!

I just did mine. Like right now. And when I pulled out the needle, a tiny bit of oil leaked out. Just a little bit and mine isn't very concentrated, it's 5mg of EV in a whole milliliter of oil. So it really doesn't make a difference in my levels, but I just can't. Stop. My brain. Overthinking! AAAGH 😭

Anyway, my thigh (I shaved yesterday, so veeerry smooth :3) just got pierced and I fucking love it. I love taking injections. I love the feeling of the large volume of oil gushing inside me, omfg.
Well...I'm a bit biased in that area, cause I love things being inserted into my body and getting filled with liquids 😆

Have a nice day lovelies 💜
Don't forget your shots! And don't worry as much as I do, aaaaaaa 😭

Booty shorts? Ass shorts? I legit can't remember. Anyway, they're alright I guess...
Or well, they'd be amazing if my body didn't ruin them, just like everything I wear 😭
God I suck 😔

It's still here, with me. It always will be. Even tho the drugs dull the pain considerably, under all of it, the envy will always be there. Seeing other girlies, beautiful and happy, feminine and pretty, it gives me so much gender envy...

I don't even have a right to complain. I didn't start that late, compared to the average. Still, I'm incapable of just "living with it". In my mind, it's way too late anyway.

And it's all my fault in any case. I'm sabotaging my own transition and then bitching about it. I vape, a lot and then complain that my boobs are small. I take so much kratom and then complain that my body isn't changing. I neither eat enough nor exercise, I don't try to voice train or do makeup, I rarely wear feminine clothing at all, even tho I enjoy those things greatly. It's all my fault...

You could say I'm early in the process. 8 months is early, right? But, a year on HRT is four months away. I highly doubt that much will change in four months. And the slow progress is my fault anyway, so why am I even complaining...

It's nobody's fault but mine. It's nobody's fault that I'm so easily triggered. I'm the problem here. I'm the problem here, complaining all the time, taking space away from people who actually try. Who try to live healthy and take care of their mental health, who exercise and don't do drugs. People who put effort into their transition, unlike me. I just sit on my ass, take HRT and expect to look somewhat like a girl. The time when HRT alone would make me pass is long gone anyway...

I suck. So fucking much. I'm just a burden to this world anyway. I hate myself and "fix" it with drugs. Like a dumbass. Cause that's what I am. A masculine, ugly, stupid dumbass. Like I could ever have been anything else...

I wish everyone the best in their journey. Just ignore me please. Ignore this vent into the void. I have nothing of value to bring to this place anyway. I have no value at all...

And if that person is reading this...don't call the cops on me again. I'm not strong enough to do it. I can't hurt myself. The only thing you accomplish by calling the police is wasting their precious time on a useless existence such as myself. They called an ambulance the last time. I wasted doctors' time, me, the most useless person ever. Fuck this...

I'm a huge fan of coconut oil. It's inexpensive, it's useful, you can even cook with it, it smells amazing, it has other uses and it's also good for skin and hair.

I picked up a 200ml jar for about 3$ yesterday. I wanted to test the skin and hair part. So, I melted it in the microwave, rubbed it into my hair and tied it up in a ponytail. Made me a bit dysphoric ngl, cause my forehead started showing through my hair due to my stupid fucking hairline. I hate it.
Anyway, I then decided to rub it all over my body. Everywhere. It was fun and getting oiled up (lol) is actually really fucking pleasant, like wtf? Especially oiling my breasts, that was actually amazing.

So, I basically covered myself in oil. I smelled so freaking good, I love the smell. I waited for about half an hour and now I'm about to take a shower and wash it all off and see if it helped at least a little. I'm expecting at least some effect on my hair, or at least hope for something. Maybe...

Does anyone have experience with this kinda stuff? Oily skincare? Does it work? I'll keep trying it just cause it feels so pleasant. Rubbing oil on boobs...omfg it feels good 💜
I guess I'll come back to this when I'm done showering!

Edit: after washing the coconut oil out of my hair and also using a keratin hair mask, thinking this would make my hair look really nice, I dried it. It now looks even more damaged, frizzy, messy and somehow even more masculine than before. My skin is smoother, but that's just because I shaved. Fuck my life. I wasted so many hours on that. Fuck this...

Yeaaaah...so I'm basically just a domesticated human at this point, cause I don't leave the house 😂
Well, not exactly true. I go shopping like every day. At least there's that...

I'm doing surprisingly well tho. And my bf too, thank fucking god. He goes on walks every now and then, which is good, cause otherwise he spends the whole day in bed, which isn't good for his muscles at all. And walking is healthy anyway.

But yeah, we're doing great! I finally get time to just...be with him. And that's amazing. Even tho he's injured and hurting. Even tho he needs my help with getting up and showering and handing him stuff...I love doing this for him ♥️
I just really like taking care of people. I could have probably legitimately been a nurse, lol

I make us food, I wash clothing (washing machine, so I'm cheating 😭) and do the dishes, I clean a bit, I talk to him and make sure he's okay, I rub cream on his back for the pain, I snuggle up to him, I fill up his vape with e-liquid when he needs it, I bring him beer lol, I buy the stuff our house needs when I go shopping.
And in between, I post on Lemmy, chat with friends on Matrix and take care of myself. I just painted my nails a pretty shade of blue yesterday. It's really nice 💜

He's confirmed that he's doing better now, pain-wise, thank fucking god. I think we can make it three more weeks no problem! I'll be here, for him, with him. Always 🩷

And of course, I satisfy his needs too...

So...yeah. Relationship is going pretty well 😆
Recovery too and that's important.

I'll continue nursing him back to full health. As long as he needs, I don't mind at all. I love taking care of him. I love spending my life with this man more than anything in the world ♥️

I swear someone saw my username and thought it was gonna be a nude 😂 /s
Don't worry, that'd be breaking the rules tho. I wouldn't.

I made this for my Lenovo Legion gaming laptop. This was during early transition, so I ofc wanted something pink, lol. And you know, I like how it came out (pun intended). Not bad! Basic, but...hey it's pink at least.

Details:
Operating system: Arch Linux
Desktop environment: KDE Plasma
Window manager: KWin
Terminal emulator: Kitty (but you can't see it in the screenshot anyway)
Icon set: Papirus Dark
Color scheme: Sweet-dark (I'm pretty sure)
Wallpaper: Found it here