all 37 comments

sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] 41 points 5 months ago (35 children)

Stonewalling your partner isn't good practice either.

  • source
  • hideshow 35 child comments
  • [–] 25 points 5 months ago (13 children)

    Being upset for a bit and keeping to yourself is fine but expecting a partner to always clue in isn't ideal. When you're with a good partner you should be comfortable and confident to address your own problems with them. If they clue in before that great but you should be making your problems known if the problems are messing up your day that badly.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 13 child comments
  • [–] 10 points 5 months ago (11 children)

    This says nothing about expecting your partner to pick up on it. It's implied they have already picked up on it and are now reacting.

    All it is saying is they want a partner to react with empathy, not with entitlement or annoyance.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 11 child comments
  • [–] 0 points 5 months ago (10 children)

    If the person who is in a bad mood is pouting and moping around and waiting for their partner to ask instead of being honest about how they feel, then they're being toxic.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 10 child comments
  • [–] 10 points 5 months ago (9 children)

    Interesting how you took, "being quiet" as moping and expecting a partner to pick up on it.

    That is not said in the tweet. At all.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 9 child comments
  • [–] -5 points 5 months ago (8 children)

    No, it's the "acting different" part is what I took as moping.

    Which is clearly in the tweet. Verbatim.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 8 child comments
  • [–] 3 points 5 months ago (7 children)

    You... realize that is quoted, right? That's what the inattentive asshole partner thinks.

    Maybe you don't get it because you are the asshole in this scenario?

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 7 child comments
  • [–] -1 points 5 months ago (6 children)

    If OP is quiet when they normally aren't, then they're acting differently, aren't they?

    Why did you read the partner as being an inattentive asshole? Maybe they're autistic and don't pick up on other people's body language and moods.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 6 child comments
  • [–] 5 points 5 months ago (5 children)

    It's the assumption about why they're quiet that's the problem.

    That is the entire point of the tweet, yet you're constantly pretending they're being quiet for some nefarious or immature reason.

    It's one thing to not pick up on it. It's a whole other thing to jump to, "why are you ignoring me?".

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 5 child comments
  • [–] -2 points 5 months ago (4 children)

    The tweet is vague enough to be open to many different interpretations.

    We don’t know why they’re being quiet. You have no more insight into that than I do.

    We simply disagree on the interpretation.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 4 child comments
  • [–] 4 points 5 months ago (3 children)

    Their partner also gets to interpret it. The difference is what you assume.

    That's the whole fucking point of the tweet! They don't want someone like you who would assume the worst.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 3 child comments
  • [–] 2 points 5 months ago (1 child)

    I think undergroundoverground has the right view here. Your comments are disagreeing about how to interpret the tweet. The tweet is vague enough that one interpretation could be that OP is quiet and has reasons to not be communicative about their struggles (maybe OP isn't even aware of their behavior), and another interpretation that OP is intentionally being moody and waiting for the partner to console them. Arguably a good faith interpretation is more productive, but that's arguable

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
  • [–] 9 points 5 months ago* (12 children)

    The tweet says nothing about stonewalling anyone. Being quiet isn't stonewalling. It's being quiet.

    It only says they want a partner that cares 'why'. That says absolutely nothing about how and when a conversation might happen.

    They want a partner that reacts with empathy, not entitlement to your person.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 12 child comments
  • [–] -3 points 5 months ago* (11 children)

    Expecting your partner to read your mind is not the way to have a healthy relationship. When you're with a good partner, you should be comfortable enough to address your problems with them or ask for a shoulder to cry on as needed.

    Of course it's nice if a partner notices and inquires. Your problems are your own to tackle though.

    Edit:: It's specifically the acting different because they're in a bad mood that I was referencing. If you're in a bad enough mood that your partner notices but you haven't been honest about why, it's not on your partner to sus that out. It's on you.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 11 child comments
  • [–] 8 points 5 months ago (10 children)

    Again, this tweet says nothing about mind reading. It says nothing about closing off to your partner. It says nothing about expecting them to pick up on it.

    All it is saying. ALL it is saying, is they want an empathetic partner, not an entitled child for a partner.

    Interesting how ya'll read the absolute worst into things...

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 10 child comments
  • [–] -4 points 5 months ago (9 children)

    The entire tweet is about expecting a partner to ask "why" instead of getting upset when OP is in a bad mood and acting different without saying why they're acting that way.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 9 child comments
  • [–] 10 points 5 months ago (8 children)

    Nowhere in the tweet does it say anything about any type of mood. Literally all it says is that they’ve been quiet all day, which could be the result of any number of things, including, but not limited to, having had a long day, having expended too much energy at work or simply just being tired. Maybe they’re overstimulated and just need to not talk for a while. Having a partner who gets mad at you for “being different” instead of asking why you are being quiet and treating you with empathy is, in fact, toxic.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 8 child comments
  • [–] -2 points 5 months ago (7 children)

    If my partner is quiet all day and not speaking to me until I ask why, that's not healthy.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 7 child comments
  • [–] 8 points 5 months ago (6 children)

    Why? What makes being silent unhealthy? This sounds like you’re imposing your own personal ideas about healthy behavior on everyone. My partner and I frequently don’t speak to each other at all for the day after an intense workweek because we simply need to recover and that’s what works for us. Tis actually the healthiest way for us to connect after a tough day to be in silence together. We’ve been married for over a decade at this point. I have had past relationships where the exact situation in the tweet occurs and it was always devastating to be told I’m “acting different” or that something is wrong with me instead of being asked how I am doing or why I’m being quiet.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 6 child comments
  • [–] 2 points 5 months ago* (5 children)

    But you're not giving your partner the silent treatment until they notice you're in a bad mood and ask "why?"

    Each couple can have their own things, that's totally cool and healthy.

    It's the unspoken expectations that I have an issue with.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 5 child comments
  • [–] 5 points 5 months ago* (4 children)

    And it seems to me that that is also what the tweet is saying. I don’t see any difference between what the tweeter wants and what my spouse and I have.

    Edit to add: You came out swinging stating that this tweet is categorically unhealthy, and then arguing your point by reading “silent” as “bad mood” which is not in any way implied by the tweet. All the tweeter wants is a partner whose response to a change in behavior is curiosity/concern/empathy instead of anger/blame.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 4 child comments
  • [–] 2 points 5 months ago* (1 child)

    My husband and I usually tell one another when we're in a bad mood and why we're quiet. We then give each other the space or support that the other needs. That's healthy communication in my experience.

    The tweet is putting the burden on the partner to notice the OP's moodiness and to ask "why" without any input from OP other than acting different.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
  • [–] 2 points 5 months ago

    That’s a very healthy behavior for sure.

    I added this as an edit to my previous response, but it does directly address your response so I’ll put it here too:

    “You came out swinging stating that this tweet is categorically unhealthy, and then arguing your point by reading “silent” as “bad mood” which is not in any way implied by the tweet. All the tweeter wants is a partner whose response to a change in behavior is curiosity/concern/empathy instead of anger/blame.”

    It appears to me that the entire conflict in this thread is due to the interpretation of silent as bad mood and asking why as being the point instead of the reaction being the issue.

    Edit: Does that seem like an accurate read to you?

  • source
  • parent
  • [–] -2 points 5 months ago (1 child)

    Thanks for editing after I replied.

    I was simply pointing out that stonewalling or giving the silent treatment isn't healthy either

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
  • [–] 3 points 5 months ago

    I was simply pointing out that stonewalling or giving the silent treatment isn't healthy either

    This is the entire issue though, nowhere in the tweet is stonewalling or giving the silent treatment implied. It simply states that they are silent all day, clearly the wanting to be asked “why” implies a desire for empathy and understanding as opposed to being met with anger and frustration at being quiet.

    Thanks for editing after I replied.

    I wrote and posted the edit before I saw your reply, and then also replied to your reply. So Idk what you’re on about here.

  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 8 points 5 months ago (7 children)

    While you're certainly not wrong, I don't think they were talking about stonewalling or anything done with intent.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 7 child comments
  • [–] 5 points 5 months ago* (6 children)

    Exuding a bad mood until your partner is forced to ask you why you're acting that way isn't healthy in my opinion.

    You're allowed to have different opinions.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 6 child comments
  • [–] 7 points 5 months ago (2 children)

    Again, I don't disagree with you. However, where is it said that this is specifically what they mean? I feel like we must be reading something different.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 2 child comments
  • [–] 4 points 5 months ago* (2 children)

    especially when i was younger, but sometimes still nowadays, one of us would sometimes have a really bad day for a really inane reason that seemed like the world at the time, and learning to communicate that is difficult. especially with autism and dissociative identity disorder. sometimes memories aren't available, sometimes it's difficult to talk about. sometimes the partner did something by accident that upset the entire day. sometimes the bad thing is that your partner ate all your ice cream in the freezer and you really wanted some mango ice cream, except it was just a dream. what the hell. when you're emotionally charged, things just get more difficult. nonviolent communication can be a great tool, but it requires some amount of emotional availability and fluency and patience that takes effort to build up over years. talking through can take hours and days and weeks even now. nowadays it's mostly automatic that we talk about everything, but in the beginning exuding a bad day was natural for me because i grew up in a dysfunctional family, and my partner also had to learn a lot. a therapist helped a ton, though of course therapists vary wildly in quality, suitability and of course price depending on the region. i think people can change a lot too. there's always some variability with people.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 2 child comments
  • [–] 3 points 5 months ago (1 child)

    I completely agree that people can change and grow out of unhealthy coping methods. It's very understandable how people get to that point! I'm sorry you had a rough go initially, but that's awesome that it's better now.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
  • [–] 5 points 5 months ago

    Remember how us old timers tell people communication is everything? I'd recommend working on yours and expecting the same from partners. Waiting on people to be psychic will end in a bad time always.

  • source