Could the Labour party’s national executive committee (NEC) be poised to inflict the biggest act of self-harm since Sideshow Bob stepped on all those rakes? Allies of Keir Starmer (yes, apparently he still has them) are mulling over whether to block Manchester mayor Andy Burnham from being selected as the candidate for the Gorton and Denton by-election.

Because sure, on the one hand you’ve got one of the few Labour names that doesn’t make people spit after uttering it, that outpolls the party and could shave a few points off both Reform and the Greens. He could gun for the top job, and possibly spare Labour the electoral humiliation that’s currently pencilled in for 2029. 

But, on the other hand, a popular and well-regarded MP saving the party from political annihilation would mean Starmer and his merry band of control freaks would be out of power and influence. Hmm, tricky one that.

Feel free to hit skip recap: for the last nine seasons of Game of Thrones, Burnham has been biding his time across the Narrow Sea (err, in office as Manchester metro mayor), chilling with his dragons (relatively good favourability ratings), building up his reputation as the Prince Who Was Promised (a politician who might be able to revive the ‘soft left’ tendency in Labour).

But, to flog this analogy until it’s deader than Sean Bean, the problem for Burnham until yesterday was that he had no ships to get him to Westeros (a parliamentary seat from which to challenge the Labour leadership). Enter Andrew Gwynne.

The MP for Gorton and Denton, currently sitting as an independent while he’s investigated by the parliamentary standards authority, announced his retirement from the Commons on medical grounds. What’s that? A seat in Greater Manchester up for grabs in a by-election? The Cortado’s northern sources report that the sound of Burnham smacking his lips could be heard all the way from Macclesfield.

If only it was as simple as Labour allowing popular candidates to throw their hat in the ring for a fair, democratic contest. First, they have to make it past the ruling NEC – a body best known for making sure anyone who could possibly threaten Starmer’s grip on power is snuffed out before they get the chance. They don’t even mind if it costs the party a seat in parliament (see: Faiza Shaheen in Chingford and Woodford Green). Better to rule over ashes than to be King of Fuck All.

Anonymous NEC sources have been on manoeuvres, briefing to journalists that they intend to block Burnham from being selected as a candidate. Purported reasons range from wanting to avoid a Manchester mayoral election to fretting about female and BAME representation in parliament. To which I say: Burnham, the time to Dolezal is now.

Blocking Burnham could come at a cost greater than losing a single parliamentary seat. Though he himself has been tight-lipped on the matter, there has been some speculation that Green party leader Zack Polanski could stand in the upcoming by-election if Burnham were to be excluded from the race.

The Greens are just four points behind Labour in the constituency. In the event of a conspicuous and loathed anti-Burnham stitch-up, you could see a world in which progressive voters swing behind the Greens to both block Reform and punish Labour.

Brutal factional warfare isn’t new to the Labour party, and as erstwhile leader Jeremy Corbyn can attest, the right of the party would rather scupper their chances in government than lose control of the party machinery. As the Mad King said, Burnham all.

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