Forgiveness doesn't mean you keep interacting with them or keep up any relationship. Forgive, not forget. Forgive, not give them the opportunity to repeat the harm.

People say you forgive for yourself in order to move on. Personally it has never really clicked for me, how to forgive someone who hasn't asked it or changed.

The thing that helps me let go and move on is understanding and acceptance. Understanding why they are the way that they are, or accepting that I may never know. Accepting that they are not the person I thought or hoped or wanted, and understanding how they actually are based on their behaviour.

Forgiveness may come much later, once you are safe and able to process with some distance, but only if it would benefit you. No point in forgiving someone who keeps hurting you.

Forgiving and/or forgetting is after the wrongful act is in done, not during, not before. Forgiveness is not permission to continue abuse or mistreatment, which often abusers keep demanding. Forgiveness is fine in healthy relationships, where people make mistakes and often correct themselves. Abuse changes the terms. It is similar to paradox of tolerance. It is a contract. Forgiveness comes with the understanding that the wrongful act will stop and will not happen again. Otherwise they are just demanding impunity.

The old but true cliche, carrying resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Forgiveness is for you, and you alone.

Forgiveness can only occur after the end of the attack. If she was continuing to harm you throughout those 4 years, you simply could not forgive her. Forgiveness is not an action, it is the process of reaching a state where you simply don't care that you were wronged anymore. It's the healing of the mental trauma the injury incurred, if any.

It's great you escaped the abuse but it will still weigh on you to some degree until you reach that state. That doesn't mean reinviting her into your life, just reaching a place where the memory of injuries is information rather than an emotional trigger.

Forgive, don't forget.

Forgiveness is for you. So you can let go of the negativity and move on. It does not mean pretend that it never happened.

I agree completely. I never took to the whole "forgive and forget" mentality. Thing is, my memory sucks, so I do forget... I just never forgive. So there are a lot of people I hold grudges against for reasons I can't remember. I just assume that past me knew what he was doing when he started the grudge in the first place.

The only value I see in forgiveness is when you jettison the worthless POS out of your life and then forgive them so they no longer have hold over you.

You forgive people who make a mistake and apologize. You don't forgive someone for being a shitty person. You get them out of your life and don't waste any more of yourself on them.