OREM, UT—As law enforcement officials search for a person of interest in the assassination of 31-year-old Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk, witnesses on the scene at Utah Valley University admitted Thursday they had assumed the shooter was just an ordinary gunman on campus. “When that first shot rang out, we all figured it was going to be a run-of-the-mill mass shooting” said UVU junior Michael Tompkins, who explained that when students spotted a man clad in black and carrying a rifle on a roof overlooking the crowd, they had no reason to suspect anything unusual. “It’s chilling that a person we thought was a normal, unhinged campus shooter was actually a political assassin. You see a deranged guy with a rifle on the quad every day. I suppose it was a little suspicious that he wasn’t shooting droves of students.” At press time, the FBI announced that the gunman had escaped by blending into the heavily armed crowd.

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[–] 31 points 1 year ago (1 child)

So the onion became a normal newspaper now?

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  • [–] 25 points 1 year ago

    Where's the satire?

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  • 7 comments in c/lemmyshitpost@lemmy.world view that post
    [–] 88 points 1 year ago (5 children)

    Holy shit they have to go WAAAAAY out there to make sure everyone understands it's satire now.

    I want off Mr. Toad's wild ride. I'm still half convinced I took something 10 or 12 years ago and all this is just a bad hallucination I'm having in a hospital somewhere.

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  • [–] 20 points 1 year ago (4 children)

    I'm still half convinced I took something 10 or 12 years ago and all this is just a bad hallucination I'm having in a hospital somewhere.

    You and me both, brother. God I wish.

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  • [–] 12 points 1 year ago (2 children)

    Cheers bros. Here's hoping this is all a collective coma we simultaneously fell into following some awful but not life threatening accident and we wake up soon.

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  • [–] 41 points 1 year ago

    I laughed in actual horror before I realized it was The Onion. Like I would've fully believed it for a sec. Media literacy is important kiddos, read more than a headline!

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  • 2 comments in c/theonion@sh.itjust.works view that post
    [–] 7 points 1 year ago

    "At press time, the FBI announced that the gunman had escaped by blending into the heavily armed crowd."

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago

    Dammit!!!! I just had a whole serving of onion!

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  • 1 comment in c/stuffandsuch@lemmy.world view that post
    [–] 2 points 1 year ago

    People are definitely going to miss this is the onion 🧅

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