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[–] 113 points 1 year ago* (14 children)

*puts in coins and pushes button for Crystal Bepis, gets diet root beer*

*puts in coins and pushes button for Bepis this time, somehow receive trail mix, not in bag*

*Accidentally put in too much money, return button doesn't work. Push any soda button, nothing happens. Next guy gets two sodas he actually pushed the button for.*

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  • [–] 40 points 1 year ago (13 children)

    This feels like a borked version of SCP-294

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  • [–] 40 points 1 year ago (12 children)

    It's not an SCP. It's just a...vending machine from 1985. That's how they all worked.

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  • [–] 4 points 1 year ago (9 children)
  • [–] 14 points 1 year ago (5 children)

    The SCP Foundation is a secret organization dedicated to securing, containing, and protecting various anomalous entities. The website is an archive of top secret documents including entries for each entity, called an SCP followed by a number, containing a practical name, detailed description, the effects of the anomaly, experiments performed, containment methods, pictures, etc. Objects can be anything, benign looking household items, monsters, seemingly normal humans, etc. There's nearly 5000 entries on the site. It's a pretty fun time sink if you're into short horror stories. Most of them only take a minute or two to read. There's also multiple games, most notably SCP Containment Breach and tons of spinoff material.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago (4 children)

    So it’s like deep fiction to the tune of the game Control?

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  • [–] 7 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 child)

    Exactly, it literally says in Control's wiki, "inspired by paranormal stories about the fictional SCP Foundation." I didn't know the genre is now called "New Weird" though. I have some new authors to check out.

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  • [–] 5 points 1 year ago

    A creative writing project where the stories are all loosely based in a common universe where there is a secret organization protecting humanity from an evil force which manifests as a broad variety of different monsters.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago*

    come up with a weird supernatural concept and write it in the format of a lab report

    SCP-80085
    Special Containment Procedures: put it in a secure room and don't fucking touch it.
    Description: SCP-80085 is a McTasty burger as served by the McDonald's restaurant chain, seemingly immune to rot and decay. Anyone who touches it fucking dies instantly from clogged arteries causing a heart attack.
    Addendum: Somehow Steve survived touching the burger, he took a bite and fucking exploded when he swallowed it, holy shit that's gonna take some therapy. Burger seems to have regenerated though.

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  • [–] 61 points 1 year ago (5 children)
  • [–] 34 points 1 year ago* (4 children)

    I love the kind of woman that will actually just kill me. You know, when I left the house today I was thinking "Damn, I really hope some hot chick paints my brains all over some fucking hallway." And here we are.

    I mean, really, just absolutely destroy me. I'm talkin' full on, watermelon in the thighs level carnage.

    And I want it to scare the shit outta me. I mean I hope I piss myself. I hope I piss myself and you call me your little "peepee pisspiss boy." I want you to fuck me up. I mean I want you to make me your bitch. Your little peepee piss myself bitch.

    I want it to get embarrassing. I mean like... weirdly embarrassing. Unsanitary, too. We should be entirely different people, by the end of the first eight hours.

    Do you understand what I'm trying to say here? I mean, l'm a real freak. I'm not normal.

    Ma'am... Please... You have to crush me.

    Edit: Link

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  • [–] 8 points 1 year ago (3 children)

    Excuse me, just one question: What the fuck?

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  • [–] 35 points 1 year ago (5 children)

    There’s a soda machine in seattle on the sidewalk of some random street not near any store, that someone stocks with random cans of whatever. Stuff I would have bet money doesn’t exist, sometimes. Never heard anyone mention it, but when I brought it up they were like “oh yeah that haunted vending machine.”

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  • [–] 31 points 1 year ago (4 children)
  • [–] 14 points 1 year ago (1 child)

    Allison Williams of Seattle Met also notes that the neighborhood of Capitol Hill now has a more corporate culture, and doubts whether the area is "still weird enough for a persistent enigma".

    Gentrification strikes again.

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  • [–] 5 points 1 year ago

    Yeah I loved on capitol hill a dozen years ago and even then, all the hardcore hippies and weirdos were being wrung out of the neighborhood by developers and the bubble they bring. All of Seattle is totally different from 10, 20 years ago, which is totally different from 30, 40 years ago. None of it is for the better.

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  • [–] 30 points 1 year ago (2 children)

    I could go for a Crystal Bepis right now.

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  • [–] 29 points 1 year ago (5 children)

    No Mingus Dew or Bebop Cola?

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  • [–] 26 points 1 year ago (3 children)
  • [–] 23 points 1 year ago

    They'll also never understand the pleasure of finding a dusty machine like this on a hot day after biking a long distance, putting in a quarter and being shocked when it works(!) and the sodas are ice cold.

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  • [–] 21 points 1 year ago (8 children)

    I like that diet rite is the only one that's not a parody

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  • [–] 19 points 1 year ago (5 children)

    that's because the existence of diet rite is parody enough itself

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago (4 children)
  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago (3 children)

    I think I single handedly killed it. I bought like seven two-liters a week for years, and I stopped last year when I switched to caffeine free diet bepis. Then Diet Rite gets cancelled. I'm sorry, guys!

    I liked diet rite because it mixed well with various flavored syrups (Monin), especially vanilla and cherry.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago (2 children)

    Damn. That's a lot of 2 liters. You drink water too though right?

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago (1 child)

    Lots. Especially if you include the ice in the soda! But yeah. Usually six to eight cups additional. My fridge meters out filtered water by quarter cup increments, so I can keep good track of it.

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  • [–] 18 points 1 year ago (2 children)

    One large benis for me please 😋

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  • [–] 36 points 1 year ago*
    [–] 15 points 1 year ago

    The “pepe” being green is the tell

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  • [–] 9 points 1 year ago (4 children)

    Shasta or get the fuck out.

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  • [–] 4 points 1 year ago* (2 children)

    Agreed! I legit worked for SuperValu Corp back in the day for years on the soda desk and still would buy “off brands”! Shasta is still my jam to this day!! I am not trying to pay $10 for a damn pack of soda!

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  • [–] 8 points 1 year ago (1 child)
  • [–] 7 points 1 year ago

    i mean most of these are parodying the 2009 pepsi logo so idk

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  • [–] 7 points 1 year ago
    [–] 5 points 1 year ago*

    Dr Thirst

    Fountain Mist

    Family Cola

    Green Thunder

    Spruce Up

    Fantuz

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  • [–] 4 points 1 year ago
    [–] 4 points 1 year ago (1 child)

    What's with the names? And the "end me"?

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