Have you tried talking to your baby?

(I’m serious)

You don't sound like you're in imminent danger, but if you get there then make the fucking call. Remember that you have a kid now, so there's no skipping out. I'm not saying that to make you feel more depressed. It's to remind you that even if you don't want to be talked out of it, there's someone else who needs you to be talked out of it.

A lot of people find talk therapy pointless, but you may benefit from Cognitive Behavioral therapy or something similar to train you away from harmful thought cycles. It's less about talking endlessly about your problems and more about redirecting yourself when you start going toasterbath.

Finally, the shit no one wants to hear, much less do. Exercise. 10 minutes of running is shown to work as well as antidepressants. 30 minutes of cardio changes brain chemistry. I don't believe in toxins in the New Agey sense but working your muscles at least feels like it gets the heavy shit out of your system. Eat less Hot Pocket and more green stuff. Drink water. Get sunlight. Touch grass.

Your needs will not be the same as everyone else's, so first off take any advice as just options. The more options you have the more likely you are to have the right option at the time you need it.

Lots of people will tell you to be kind to yourself and that is a perfectly reasonable option, something that works well for lots of people. I found it to be ineffective because at the time I feel the worst I like myself the least and have the least care and consideration for my own needs. It would be like lifting weights when feeling weak, technically it may work but it didn't work for me.

What works for me is actually empathy for others. My partner would be hurt and alone if I was gone. My cat would not have a nice lap to cuddle on. But I go deeper and more granular. My partner would not have someone brushing their hair, taking care not to tug and always starting from the tips and working up slowly. My cat would not have an arm to lean on at night and feel warmed by. The deeper and more specific you go the more real you get.

The depression and suicidality is built in the unreal horror of the moment, that instant where everything is overwhelming. Escape seems like the only option and the only escape is not living any more. But if you can stop the narrowing of your view and get your brain to consider the future you can make a direction, the beginnings of a path, out of the suicidal depression.

So for you I would recommend a few things. First, think about your partner and your child. Both of them will be impacted by you surviving this time. If you are there they get to have a husband and a father. If you are not they don't. Think about all the hardships they would suffer without you and then really think about the fact that you have the power to protect them from that heartache and pain. You are the only person on the planet who can keep their husband and father alive. You are the only one standing in the way of them suffering that loss. You are uniquely powerful to protect them from deep harm.

You don't need to use guilt or shame if you flip the question around. Assume you died. How would their lives be? How much pain would there be because you died? What would you do to protect them from that pain and dispair? Would you suffer to protect them? I think you would. I think you can and will do whatever is needed to protect then from that particular pain because you care more about protecting them than avoiding suffering for yourself. You care more about them than you do about yourself, so frame the question in those terms, rig the game so you can win and protect them. Be vulnerable with the therapist. Take the medication if needed. Do the workouts and manage your sleep. Ask for help to protect them. Fight for them.

The only thing that really helps and keeps me going is the sense of responsibility I have towards myself that I’ve promised to parent myself and take care of myself.

I made a promise to myself along the same lines, never to hurt those that depend/rely on me (or care for me, as I was just a teenager at the time). Keeping any promise is something that I value absolutely, so I don't make them lightly.

It was enough.

I like to re-frame my situation contrasted with more antagonistic periods in my life and my current situation.

My bullies and situations that made my life intolerable didn't beat me into committing suicide, it's going to be my wife and my baby that do it? Fuck no.

the only thing that helped me was really deciding I wasn't going to artificially end my life. one, the kids, two fuck God, if he wants me dead he can come down here and kill me himself, until then, I'm gonna keep getting back up and struggling till it's over beyond my control.

on the other hand, if you're capable of having a social support structure, you desperately need one, and counciling could work, you just need to tell the first three councilors you pull it's not gonna work at all, until it does work. there's a lot of people who suck at their job.