Use the sausage method. Take a condom, place it around the extruder, make sure to get a good seal, and let it go. Every so often pinch and twist for the links. That way you can go laying down

Edit: Pro-tip, place your bed near the window for easy clean-up

Sounds like you need more high-quality fiber in your diet.

My recommendation for anyone that is having poo problems is muesli.

You can usually get it in the bulk goods aisle of your local store, assuming that the store has that. At my local winco, they sell it for about two dollars a pound.

You dump about a cup or two into a bowl, fill that bowl with milk. It's okay if you use a plant substitute, then top it with some plain yogurt and some berries and a little bit of sugar or honey or maple syrup.

Stick it in the fridge for a couple of hours or overnight.

And enjoy, it's just a little parfait with some granola, it's not a big deal.

But I promise you, two or three days of eating that, you will have the easiest poop of your entire life. That combo will clear out stuff that's been sitting in your colon since high school.

Sorry to hear bruh.

Be careful not to strain, or part two will be hemorrhoid boogaloo.

Also, make them feel like it's a massive shit and end being a tiny nugget.

This was me and I turned out to have celiac.

Have you tried yoga?
What about kale? Chia seeds? Vindaloo?
Not getting older, have you tried that one? I got the best results by telling my cells to stop aging. Seriously though chia seeds are fucking magic.

Might not be poo cramps, might just be gas troubles. 🤷‍♂️

Finally a decent shit post

weird, you were just talking about how great your diet is.

Here I sit all broken hearted

Had to shit but only farted.

You need to repent and let kale into your life

Decent post, great username

Get a Japanese floor toilet, then you can do both.

Something's in my a**

(Invidious link)

Check out the side effects of colchine. Fun times!

Violet!?

You're describing what it feels like the last couple hours when preparing for a colonoscopy.