I... had to check.

some of these onion headlines are so plausible I have to assume one of them is going to happen in real life at some point

To be fair, it probably has happened but even he's too embarrassed to mention it.

Hard to tell these days

So did I but in my defense: I totally see him doing this shit

Thank you.

I was about to munch it wholeheartedly, but thanks to you it was just a nibble.

Understandable