privately owned railways (other than shit like ore railways that no one else gives a single shit about) are such a wild concept

I thought it was this.
Australia wages war on cane toads
Environmentalists have asked Australia's military to wage war on cane toads, which have spread across the country's north in near-plague proportions.
Ya. They lost.

The Australian military was also defeated by emus.
The Emu War is a spectacularly, intentionally boring and fully factual bit from a video game called Desert Bus VR.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2caKedMbtwc&t=5870s

Capitalist efficiency, everyone 😆