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My (23M) Ex (24F) aired our relationship problems to my current partner's (28F) best friend (29F) (lemmy.world)

submitted 20 hours ago by ofthemasses@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world

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Hi,

My (23M) partner (28F) of two years recently had a conversation with her best friend (whom is also a dear friend of mine) (29F), and was told that my Ex (24F) of 3 years aired our relationship's dirty laundry to her. I am no contact with my Ex, the relationship ended poorly and I only have one friend (24M) who has any contact with her. That friend invited our (29F) friend to a party which my ex was also attending. During the party my Ex struck a conversation with her, and told her just about everything that happened in the relationship. Needless to say this wasn't a very balanced take on what happened, and involved a lot of private information. I'm not sure why my ex decided this an okay thing to do, but me and my partner feel this is very strange behaviour, especially 3 years after our break up. My partner believes she is trying to jeopardise my new friendships and her own relationship with me.

Our current strategy is to seperate any of our future friendships from my friend (24M) that is still in contact with my Ex to avoid a situation like this happening again. Although, I'm not happy that I have to seperate my social lives for this reason. Does anyone have any better solutions, or other advice. Especially if you've had something similar happen!

For additional context my friends partner is best friends with my Ex, so it wouldn't be easy to talk to my (24M) friend.

Edit: I think there is some confusion of what is meant by seperating friends. The idea was to avoid mixing them when doing parties or get togethers, essentially not introducing them. If they meet outside of this that's just how life goes. Having a second read I could see why some people could feel that this might have included enforcement; telling our friends who they can talk to. That's not the intention at all.

Edit 2: Why are AI agents allowed to comment here? Especially in a community related to relationships, ick.

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[–] zoloftt@lemmy.world 1 point 18 hours ago (2 children)

The fact that you posted about it means either:

A) She's not lying about your past, and you're ashamed of it B) Her stories are lies and they are effecting your reputation with your friends C) A bit of both

If it was basic couples stuff then it would be a non-issue to you and your friends, you wouldn't be posting about it.

All I can say is, you've already talked to your partner about it. Your mutual friend doesn't believe it. You can ask your friends to stop hanging out with your ex. If my ex was telling mutual friends lies about me, I would.

Or you can ignore it. The people you care about are the only opinions that matter.... As long as it's not impacting your career or causing law issues, then what's the actual problem?

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[–] ofthemasses@lemmy.world [S] 1 point 17 hours ago (1 child)

Our problem is that my Ex is involving herself in our life when she is not wanted and it is done in a way that feels adversarial, and doing this after 3 years it concerns us that this may happen again. Maybe we are being anxious, but I can't imagine anyone thinking it's okay for someone's ex to go out of their way to talk to your friend, who is a stranger to them, like this. We don't want to have to deal with this as a regular occurrence.

Of course the things she said are things I don't want my friends to hear. Some of it is embarassing, some of it is straight lies and some of it is personal. The lies are easy, but I don't want to be discussing the fine details of an ex relationship with my friends. If you can handle an old relationship always being brung up, having to discuss it in detail with friends and give me side to an already been and gone story is something your fine doing were just built different. I don't want to be thinking about this in 2-3-5-10 years, and what if my partner is right and she does something worse? Why take the risk?

From my partners perspective, some random person, who had a relationship with me is A. Trying to involve herself in my life and B. Trying to cause drama with her friends. She finds the behaviour unpredictable, and a breach of her personal life by a stranger.

The question solely surrounds my friend (24M), we have a solution but it will affect how I can socialise with my friend. I respect that he is friends with my ex still and it hadnt affected our relationship up until now. I'm just kind of sad, because there was no problem between me and (24M).

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[–] zoloftt@lemmy.world 1 point 17 hours ago

Sorry this is causing you so much stress, and I hope all this venting is helping...

You can control who you choose to spend time with. You can also learn to control how you feel about people/opinions that you don't care about. That parts harder.

You can't control your friends. You can't control your partner. You can ask your friend to stop spending time with your ex.

After that, it's on you and your partner how you move forward regardless of the friends answer.

If you need to vent, that's great, writing can be a good outlet for that.

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