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[Vent] I hate how many cis "allies" clearly don't actually see trans people as their gender. (piefed.blahaj.zone)
submitted 5 days ago by to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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I saw a post earlier (not on the fediverse), about a trans woman who had a date with a cis man who was pretty clearly into her, fliriting and stuff, but then as soon as she told him she was trans the guy immediately acted different, said he wasn't into her and just wanted to be friends, etc. The poster was obviously upset by that and was trying to vent about it online in a women's community who claim to be trans inclusive, but so many of the replies were about how he wasn't transphobic, how he was such a good guy for giving her the bare minimum respect after learning she was trans, how its not transphobic to not be attracted to trans people, etc. That's also not even what the poster was saying, she just wanted support after a shitty date, something which the community is perfectly capable of doing when a cis woman is seeking it.

But also like the guy was attracted to her! He just immediately changed his mind upon learning she was trans, which is literally just transphobia, holy shit. And almost all the supportive people in the comments or anyone saying that were getting piled on.

I already know the majority of cis people don't see us as actually being our gender/sex, but it still fucking sucks everytime I see something like that that reminds me of that fact so starkly.

Edit: The number of cis people coming in to this thread and doing the exact same fucking thing I'm complaning about in this post is wild holy shit. Like congrats on not having any ability to read the room l guess lmao.

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[–] 5 points 4 days ago (7 children)

In certain contexts, preferences can be bigoted. Some preferences are just preferences, some are bigotry.

Compare it to race. People can like what they like. It's not bigoted to have a racial dating preferences. But imagine if a white person refused to date another person that was visually white after discovering they have a single black great-grandparent. Visually the person looks white, they've lived their whole life as a white person, but the bigot views them as tainted for not being pure white. That's both a preference and bigotry. The bigotry is the source of their preference. An honest sexual preference can be bigoted.

For example, it's fine if certain physical features that a trans person has aren't your thing. That could be anything from face to body to genitals. But some cis people refuse to date trans people not out of any specific feature or objective reason, but simply BECAUSE the person is trans. They view transness as a stain upon them.

There are cis guys out there who would happily date a stealth trans woman, sleep with her, fall in love with her, etc., even after being told she can't have children. Enjoy every aspect of it. But if that same cis guy was told she was trans, suddenly he would be appalled at the idea.

It's fine to not want to date a trans person because you have a genital preference, or because you want to have biological children. But if the only reason you're not interested in a trans person is because they're trans? I hate to break it to you, but that's just bigotry. Something can be both bigotry and a preference at the same time.

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  • [–] 0 points 3 days ago (6 children)

    That’s not bigotry.

    This is bigotry. Any man or woman trans or otherwise can support, befriend and love anyone of any gender of their choosing. They shouldn’t have to do this under duress of being called something they are not.

    And my examples remained as close to the topic as could be. Yours reached way out of bounds to illustrate your point.

    This isn’t about someone who had a single black great grandparent once way back in history. This is about a person currently, that kihrn have a trait that is u desirable to their preferences in choosing a romantic partner.

    Thus has absolutely nothing to do with bigotry unless we are redefining the word.

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  • [–] [S] 4 points 3 days ago (5 children)

    You are aware that people can interalize bigotry in a way where the person can otherwise be very supportive but still have unconscious biases or unfounded beliefs that only occassionly slip through in specific situations right? That's a major cause of things like micro aggressions or stereotypes that while not necessarily intentional or meant to be harmful are nonetheless, and is something worth examining to hopefully be able to rid yourself of. No-one is trying to force someone to date a trans person here, we're just saying if you blanket would never date a trans person it's probably worth examining your internal biases and beliefs.

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  • [–] 0 points 3 days ago* (4 children)

    Of which, according to your own post, and the content you reference, he did none of those things.

    Regardless of gender, preference, what have you….

    No one is obligated to date you. Period. And if we take this a step further, they’re not even obligated to give you a reason, yet this man did. It wasn’t personal. He wasn’t being disrespectful. Yet- you’ve labeled him the same as someone that is hateful and refuse to budge.

    And based on your edit, where tou assumed everyone gender… you intended this to be an ‘Everyone grab your pitchforks’ style witch-hunt.

    Do better. There’s so little time we have here. Having said this, we can agree to just disageee.

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  • [–] [S] 4 points 3 days ago* (3 children)

    I literally am OP, I know what the post I'm referring to said. I'm saying the person rejected her for a transphobic reason, not that he himself was like a massive raging bigot. Something someone does can be transphobic while not themselves being a transphobe.

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  • [–] 0 points 3 days ago* (2 children)

    And I’m simply saying that I disagree and don’t think it was a transphobic reason. And I do find it ironic that in a post where you complain about a bigot, you assumed everyone’s gender in the comments based on no info whatsoever.

    Apparently if we disagree with you, we are all cis.

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 child)

    I never actually called the date a transphobe or a bigot to be clear. I said he did something transphobic, which I stand by, but the point of my post was venting about how when this trans women was trying to complain about her shitty date experience, a bunch of cis women in the replies took the opportunity to soapbox about how dating preferences are valid, rather than comfort her like how they would normally react to a similar post where a girl got dumped in the middle of a date. That was the point of my post, it had almost nothing to do with the date outside of me trying to add context. You came into the comment section to do the same thing I was complaining about the cis people in that post doing. This post was never supposed to be about whether dating preferences are transphobic, I offhandedly mentioned it in 1 line of the original post and only started actually talking about it when like 3 different people came in to "offer nuance" to a discussion I wasn't fucking trying to have! I wasn't the one who started the arguments lmao.

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