My life has slowed down a bit so I've started thinking about myself a little more. Some of the sexual envy I've felt surrounding sex and my specific kinks I realize are very focused towards "damn, it just seems like it would be so much better with girl parts". Cuz it really does.
I've always felt envy to women who just seem like they always feel a lot more than I do. Like it feels good to have sex but I'm rarely gasping and lost in pleasure like most girls are, except for a few times I've received anal and the stars aligned well for my mental state and energy. And then the multiple orgasms women can have, my god. But as good as anal is it just doesn't quite, eh, feel like it's the same as that.
It goes deeper into one of my kinks too.
Weird kink stuff here that I've never told another soul:
spoiler
One of my kinks is pee related; specifically, omorashi/diaper stuff. Not like "adult baby" kinda stuff but wetting diapers or pants, holding it until I lose control, it's a turn on for me and I partake somewhat frequently...
With male equipment it's "alright" but I have found myself constantly fantasizing about how much better it would be with female parts, especially while in the middle of the kink stuff. I wouldn't have to worry about where I'm pointing if I'm wearing a diaper, it gets everything right between the thighs, it doesn't get in the way or pinched when wearing bulky padding, it's easier to lose control (because the loss of voluntary control I find the hottest) - urgh. Female parts are literally designed for this kink and it makes me wish I had them. It seems like it gets really obvious the more I think about it, that I've been using the kink to contain those thoughts as a compartmentalized outlet that's "just part of the kink" and not part of me as a person. But maybe it is part of me as a person??
What's strange tho is outside the kink I really do like my parts, having and using a penis is enjoyable. But after my previous revelations I'm wondering if that is just self-convincing to not feel bad about it, and I need to do a lot more thinking on my feelings about it.
Outside the kink my libido is rather low too, at least mentally. Like for as relatively young as I am, in decent shape, with fairly high T and all, I should be able to have sex multiple times a day, but I'm usually a one and done with my girlfriend before my mind just goes "yeah I'm done with this effort of bring horny, brain tired now let's sleep or move on to next autistic hyperfocus because you have shit to do".
Thats ofc made worse by how fucking busy I am all the time. But like am I secretly not into having sex as a man? Idfk.
I'm not really looking for any advice just writing random vomit flow of thoughts out that came to me last night, because text writing helps me organize my brain. Sorry if I gross anyone out because I'm fucking into weird stuff I'll delete if I do..