Your comment reads like a joke, but since you're saying it's a real question I'll bite:

For soft surfaces like carpet, couch cushions, etc. carpet shampoo can be very effective. Basically vaccuum, then squirt it on the surface, brush it with a carpet brush and let it air dry, then once it's dry vacuum again. For food stains, try to clean it up before it dries. As soon as it happens, wipe it up with a paper towel, wet the paper towel with water as needed, or better yet, avoid the risk altogether and don't eat at your computer. There's a surprisingly massive gain in quality of life by having an actual table to eat at in your home, even if your meals aren't particularly fancy or planned.

Hard surfaces will vary depending on the material, but it's hard to beat wiping (and scrubbing as needed) with bleach water. Smaller items like computer peripherals may be cleaned with either a damp paper towel or Clorox wipes, or for a really deep clean take it to the sink and scrub it with water and dish soap (just make sure there is no power sources for 48-72 hours and it fully dries before applying power again)

Edit to add: for really stuck on grime on items that can be submerged, soaking in hot water with a dash of vinegar can be very effective. Or if you need some chemical assistance throw some baking soda on it, pour some vinegar on said baking soda then scrub with hot vinegar water.