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Why do I feel so wrong...? (lemmy.zip)
submitted 2 weeks ago by to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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This is going to get pretty NSFW.

Since I've dicovered I'm trans, I have gradually become more and more feminine in my demeanor and in my mind. I've spent 30+ years of my life believing I am a man and supressing any and all gender envy as gross and weird. I've had to sort of teach myself femininity. So I've done things like actively try to replicate feminine posture, and listen to "girly" music.

I know "girly" things don't make you a woman, but for me they were something to latch on to and practice, and I do genuinely like them. There were years and years of seeing women be able to enjoy certain things while people around me, as well as myself, were saying that it was wrong for me to engage. And I finally feel the freedom to do it. I'm changing in both demeanor and ways of thinking about things. And it all feels right.

However...there are certain things that are still very "guy-like" about me. My interest in porn is very male centric. I still make use of a male masturbation toy at times. And I feel...gross about it. I know I enjoy it. But I feel weird for enjoying it now.

Also...when I browse online store for underwear. I thought maybe starting to wear some bras and panties would help me feel girly before I start to move into a more committed transition. Well as I'm browsing, I sometimes start getting a bit aroused. There are some cute looking stuff out there, and its all just really new and exciting. And I feel weird for being excited. I start doubting myself like "Oh no, is this all just a kink?"

If I could snap my finger and have the body of a woman - with the stipulation I could not wear women's underwear - I believe I still would. All the same, the more I explore clothes, and practice posture, or my voice, I can get really horny and feel like I have to go masturbate before proceeding.

So I listed a couple things going on here. For clarity: My weird feelings come from a mix of naturally finding guy-centered porn enjoyable, as well as intense need for orgasm when exploring my femininity.

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[–] 6 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

In regards to the thinking it's a kink thing, I think you're probably just seeing the effects of gender euphoria. When I find clothes I really like, a boner often makes itself known, but it's not me lusting after a model. It's that I'm uncontrollably happy I have the freedom to wear it, and my body reacts accordingly. I generally see it more when I try them on rather than when I'm shopping, but it's akin to feeling sexy and being impossibly happy not suppressing that feeling.

When it comes to undies, the only reason I still wear panties is because they're fun colours, but also I threw out all my ratty boxers 😋

I still very much prefer porn targeted at men. I need the focus to be on the women because I get a visceral ick seeing men in porn due to my great dislike of the male figure, especially when they're trying to be sexy. I'm a girl who's into girls, and a lesbian's gotta lesbian.

Redistributing all your stat points into the "girly" options is something a lot of trans girls do early on, myself included, but it's just an overcorrection that you'll probably come back from when you find you don't enjoy some of the girly things like you thought you would. Some will likely stick, but a lot will not.

At the end of the day, you would be no less of a woman if you decided to essentially keep living as a man, but with some tweaks that carried over from the overcorrection phase. All options are valid ❤️

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  • [–] 1 point 2 weeks ago

    I agree wholeheartedly on the overcorrection aspect. I found that my dysphoria, and attempts to address it, operated very much like a pendulum. The worse my dysphoria felt, the wider I would swing in the opposite direction to try to fix it. Eventually you find some sense of equilibrium and the swings aren't quite as wide.

    In terms of trying to emulate behaviors of cis women or latching onto girly things, I know it can seem overwhelming thinking that you need to relearn how to do everything. My experience, however, is that I realized that I didn't have to "act like a woman" because I am just naturally feminine. All of my years of having masculine tendencies, interests, or behaviors was actually me "acting like a man" and repressing my natural feminine state. I don't have to think about things like "how would a woman react in this situation" or "am I standing womanly enough". Anything I do is what a woman would do because I am a woman. Realizing that made the imposter syndrome and feelings of being an interloper or intruder melt away.

    I would just like to add also that this is just my experience. I hope that some of it resonates but it is by no means the blueprint that you, or anyone else reading this, needs to experience.

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