Here's the thing about being trans. You're exposed to transphobia since the first time you ever hear about trans people, often long before you understand yourself. And that transphobia impacts us all. We all internalise it to some extent, and undoing it is the work of a lifetime. Simply recognising it isn't enough to make it go away, there is still a journey you need to go through.

One of the consequences of that is most of us find some way of invalidating ourselves. Some way we don't fit the "ideal trans person" narrative, and instead of simply noting it with interest, we flagellate ourselves over it.

For me, it was femininity. I've never been feminine, I have no draw to it, no sense of connection to it, or a desire to express it that was denied to me. To me, it just felt like something I could fake if needed, just like masculinity. And then I look at all of the trans women around me, revelling in their femininity, talking about their experiences when they were younger and were looking for ways to express it etc, and here I was, with none of that. It made me wonder what was wrong with me for a long time.

You can get through it though, I promise. The point of transitioning is to live life on your own terms, and if you're doing that, you're doing it right, and your brain worms will catch up eventually :)