"Whatever I thought I understood before from listening to women, it's nothing compared to what it's like to live it."

I'm reminded of something I read a while back, where a man named Marty accidentally was mistakenly sending emails with his female coworker's email signature and was puzzled for a while on why people were being so difficult. When he realised it, he and his colleague, Nicole, decided to switch emails for a week, as a more deliberate, extended experiment. They both did a write-up of the experience. Marty's was a Twitter thread that I can't access anymore, but Nicole wrote a blog post covering her side

In Nicole's words:

"Nothing changed, except that our clients read me as male and Marty as female. I had one of the easiest weeks of my professional life. He… didn’t."

What I found so interesting about this story is that it sounds like this Marty guy was a genuine ally. Like, when Nicole called him out for speaking over her at meetings, he listened and started using his voice to bring attention to Nicole (and other women) at meetings. Iirc from his Twitter thread, he thought of himself as an ally who understood how hard women have it. Until this thing with the email signatures, that is.

I think you're right that even if some of the harassment you've experienced is transphobia related, a lot of it will be misogyny. And I think that part of why trans women are so prominently discussed by transphobes is because of the prevalence of transmisogyny specifically.