Oh, I am highly attracted to certain kinds of intelligence in women, but (a) I think I have acquired this over my post-teenage life, and (b) I still very much need that intelligence to be in a body I also find attractive. We are all victims of our evolution and cultural messaging, to varying extents.

I'm sorry. Sounds like you've had some shitty experiences. I have, too, so maybe I get it at least somewhat (based on this very short description), but my experiences aren't yours, and it sucks. It changes you and can fuck up future relationships and happiness if the aftermath doesn't go well. Hoping you have found a better path toward happiness.