At the same time, the lie of self determination is an extremely useful one, but [sic?] as an individual, and as a society.

Do you mean both? to both individuals and societies?

I'm not sure I agree. I think much cruelty and misunderstanding is justified by the idea that someone could have chosen a different life.

I definitely think people can change for the better and we should encourage that, but I wonder if putting that all on them is even useful. To some it is, I'm sure, but ...

I dunno the thought is still cooking.