I was raised in the church. I read church history for years, and spent my entire childhood having the dogma and apologia drilled into me until I could recite entire passages from rote memory. Every argument and counterargument. Every reason to never question the ones in charge.
It was never about horses, elephants, steel bows, and stones in hats. It was never about Smith's running list of legal problems and narcissism. It was never about Brigham Young giving a very enthusiastic green light on ethnic cleansing and genocide.
It was always about defending the lie that all of that was true, that all of it was done with good intent. That all of it was sanctioned by God himself by his living mouthpiece.
It was always about money, control, and keeping people in line. And you deserve so much better than to be exploited like that. You deserve to be happy.