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Anon is a paramedic (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 5 months ago by to c/greentext@sh.itjust.works
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[–] 2 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (7 children)

yes.

people who don't hate their parents are rare.

even people who had wonderful parents... i know tons of them... hate their parents for not doing more for them.

a lot of children are infinitely resentful of their parents for not giving them more than they could. like, my favorite example is I dated a lady once who was enraged her parents only gave her $50,000 as a graduate gift, and spent every other date going on about how terrible and awful her parents were to her despite them giving her an objectively awesome life. She was an only child. Met sooo many people like that, and they are so weirdly arrogant, they would lecture me on how my parents being poor and abusive was 'more privileged' than them..

and it's also true, many of us had really bad parents. i think my parents tried they best, but their best was objectively shitty, and it was abusive. because well, all they knew was abuse themselves, they didn't know any better or how to break the cycle of abuse. so i had to do that. my own siblings actually, actively admit my parents were objectively shittier to me than they were to them... and they said they never really could figure out why my parents hated me so much, even though i was a really good kid who never did anything bad or wrong. for whatever reason, esp my dad, just hated me for not being what they wanted me to be, and even though I got into Harvard, they looked down on me for it. even at my college graduation they were not proud, they were resentful. what my dad wanted was for me to be a state uni football player douche bro, and what i was was a massive nerdy sensitive theater kid.

oh, and my graduation gift? Was a $20 handshake, and a bill for my healthcare costs that was like $2,000, and my first student loan payment, which was $300. lol

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  • [–] 15 points 5 months ago (5 children)

    I think in the bubbles that we are in, including Lemmy, people with bad parents are overrepresented. Simply because of sexual minorities, progressive or radical ideas, or just plain old not conforming to the norm in terms of behaviour and character.

    Plenty of people never had an issue with their parents, but also, plenty of people never had to tell their parents that they are homosexual, think their political beliefs are stupid, and have ADHD, for instance.

    Plus, I would say that lonely people tend to flock together, likewise, people with no strong family ties probably end up using the internet more.

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  • [–] 0 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (4 children)

    i dont know, i know plenty of 'normal' people who are all over the internet. True though, they don't really use reddit/lemmy sites, they use instragram, facebook, twitter. and IME their usage is actually way heavier than my own. but I'm only on here to kill time between tasks at work.

    i think people here echo chamber themselves though a lot into beliefs that are not necessarily true. they don't kind of stand back and question their emotions towards their folks (or anyone else at all, really), or see their parents as flawed/limited people who perhaps, were just making mistakes or could never really be the parents they wished they were. my own parents were totally incapable of being the parents I needed as a child, and like, can i really be perpetually angry about that? i simple vastly exceeded them in every capacity, and sadly they resented that, rather than were proud of it. but it's who they were, they could be any different, and i'm kind of an asshole for wishing they were.

    but then again, very few people ever do that. i def have met people who are grown 30 something adults, who idolized their folks and are still in a state of emotional and financial dependency on them... which you might say the danger of having 'too good parents'. and form where i stand it's just... i can't seriously imagine a parent financially or emotionally supporting me... since mine basically didn't.

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  • [–] 6 points 5 months ago (3 children)

    That is a bit of a hen-egg question, isnt it? Do people in certain circles see their parents negatively because the circles echo such thoughts, or because such circles attract people like that? I have no definite answer, tbh.

    Maybe it is because those circles make it easier to speak about such things?

    Maybe because someone who experienced hardships themselves might turn to more "left" ideas to avoid this happening to others?

    I personally am very grateful to my parents, they sacrificed a lot of potential happiness for their children. And yes, they are flawed human beings in a flawed world, who make mistakes, have some issues of themselves and so on. But psychology is messy, fuzzy, and hard to wrap in nice logical statements.

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  • [–] 3 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (2 children)

    it's easy to talk about such things in therapy, but a good therapist isn't going to bias-confirm you, or engage you in escalation/exaggeration. online communities do that, inevitably.

    your therapist also isn't going to flip out at you and call you a ungrateful piece of shit when you complain about your parents. people online and irl will definitely do that.

    there is a cultural default where you are not supposed to be critical or resentful towards your parents for sure, which I think forces almost all of us to internalize this stuff. personally i've never had a partner who i could talk to about my parental issues without serious blowback and judgement for what a shitty person i was for daring to say such things about my folks... but my siblings? yeah they are more than happy to be critical about my parents esp def to how difficult they were about elder care, which made us all angry and frustrated with them. and i had to keep point out to my siblings... my parents were like this their entire lives... they weren't magically like more difficult as they got older, they had always been inflexible, stubborn, and refused to be proactive... so we basically had to do all that for them as they aged.

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  • [–] 3 points 5 months ago (1 child)

    Obviously, people online and even good irl friends cannot replace professional therapy.

    I've seen both, the "social default" of having a somewhat ok relationship with one's parents, and people in certain circles who tend to assume that there must be at least some difficulties.

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  • [–] 1 point 5 months ago*

    true, some folks relationships, parental or otherwise, are just... boring and staid and uneventful and they are fine with that. some folks want something deeper, or more dramatic.

    but that's also true of their own lives. I've def met people whose lives seem unfathomably boring to me, but I'm sure they were happy just not in any way that i would conceive of happiness, personally. But such folks often think my life is miserable for the same reason, because what I like is boring to them.

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