Hmmm.

I thought originally it was just a kink. I don't know I've always wanted to be the woman in all the adult content I consumed. Then there was something about transformation...(even being force-fem)

My brain couldn't understand the signs. I lived depressed without being able to put words on it. I had some dysphoria early on my teenage years. I thought it was only about my weight and image problems. Today I know it was more than that.

Somehow I don't know how I ended up watching some trans timeline and posts and meme. I felt like it talked to me on some levels but didn't feel like I was trans. Something about legitimity. I saw a lot of people with dysphoria and I was like "yeah, I can't be anyway I don't feel dysphoria like them". It wasn't "strong" enough. Also a part of me wasn't probably confortable being labeled trans I guess? (Like I would have loved a perfect change. I feel so stupid having these thoughts. Especially because I would feel that about myself but not others)

Then there a night I remember like 2 years ago where I cried through the night about never being able to become a girl (internal transphobia was there too yay!). I was living for my couple at the time and lost myself (that with anhedonia). My stupid brain couldn't understand that I was trans.

Then my ex-wife dragged me out of the house (yeah I wouldn't go out by myself most of the time) and we went to see a drag show for halloween.

I don't know how exactly but I realised that night that I was trans. The fact that everyone was someone else that day, the drag show, I understood that day that I was not alone, that where I lived there wasa community with queer people. That maybe I could be accepted somehow.

2 Months later a lots of reading about transitioning, transidentity (deconstructing my views too, reading more about lgbtqia+ fights and values. I wasn't completely oblivious to that before but it strengthened my views and values.). I started HRT.

I wish I understood all that in my teenage years or even in my 20s. At least I'm happier now and started to take care of myself.