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What if? (lemmy.dbzer0.com)
submitted 7 months ago by to c/adhd@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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[–] 46 points 7 months ago (23 children)

I mean...ADHD or not, your life is generally in your own hands, both successes and failures are your "fault". The ADHD doesn't take the responsibility, it only adds context.

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  • [–] 16 points 7 months ago (8 children)

    Context, which can be translated to useful keywords and traits to use for self discovery. Primarily for learning about the coping mechanisms that others have successfully deployed but also to ease the sort of negative thoughts in the last part of this post.

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  • [–] 21 points 7 months ago* (1 child)

    The worse part is when you get so good at coping that others don't see the work that goes in just to function in a society built to your disadvantage.

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  • [–] 4 points 7 months ago

    Ugh, I hate that! Thank you for putting that into words. It's always been this vague frustration that I could never quite explain to people.

    Like, if all the hard work and progress I've made only goes so far as to rule out any sympathy or benefit of the doubt whenever my obstacles become insurmountable, then I guess I'll just fuck off and not even try anymore...

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  • [–] 7 points 7 months ago (5 children)

    Yes! And then whenever an online community springs up centering around solidarity, peer support, or advocacy pertaining to the common mental disorder, the same crowd who complains about avocado toast and rotisserie chicken get up in arms about "labels" becoming a "trend."

    Like, no it's not a fucking trend. Some people deal with these illnesses every fucking day, and it's totally okay for them to talk about it online with other people who understand the experience. Outsiders looking in just think they're conforming to what the internet says about the traits, but the reality is that some people have these traits and have to live with them every day.

    Clusters of traits get identified by researchers and standardized in the DSM, and that gives people the language and toolkit they need to understand themselves and talk about it with others. It's descriptive rather than prescriptive.

    These descriptions pop up online because that's what some people experience. People aren't retrofitting their experience just to conform to an internet trope, like some folks claim. But someone who hasn't experienced that or been close to someone who has will never understand that.

    And unfortunately, some people who are close to someone with a mental disorder are still skeptical and dismissive of them. It's really frustrating, and damaging too, because it's essentially gaslighting someone who's already mentally ill by saying they're actually fine and just need to stop being annoying, suck it up and "just be normal." For fuck's sake!

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  • [–] 5 points 7 months ago (3 children)

    The best part is how it can cause one to develop any of a number of co-morbid mental issues and then those people will see that and try and force the adhd person to cure what is essentially a symptom of the adhd they won't acknowledge.

    As someone presumably older than you, I would urge people in that situation to separate from those people. The lonilness of your own mind is superior to their toxicity. Take the time to find yourself as you are without these people loading you up with self doubt.

    Most adhd people find adhd, true adhd people make the easiest friends. Find those people, they will not doubt you. Any reject yours and their adhd would clearly be suffering from one of those co-morbids.

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  • [–] 4 points 7 months ago (1 child)

    So much this! I was in therapy for depression. I had no idea that I had ADHD, just internalized the stuff about being lazy, not trying hard enough, etc. Then I eventually got a therapist who has ADHD. She started sprinkling in stories from her own life, and every time I was like "OMG, I relate so hard to that!" Eventually she was like, "Sooo have you considered...?"

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  • [–] 3 points 7 months ago

    Oh yeah, I'm comorbidities-R-us, so much that I can't talk about it or else people start to think I'm just trying to collect psychiatric disorders like badges. It's really invalidating, especially when people hardly believe me even when I just talk about one!

    And I don't presume to know your age, but don't assume mine; I've been around more than a couple decades, and I was alive in a previous millenium. I've had a journey and then some.

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  • [–] 30 points 7 months ago* (7 children)

    Yes and no. I knew a guy that was biking and had an accident. He lost his legs. He because an athlete, did sailing and climbed mountain and stuff. He still couldn't use a normal bike. Do you get what I mean? You can do self-help as much as you want but you can't ask a blind person to look at the sky.

    Or more like you can ask, but you'll probably get a blank stare.

    Sorry for the bad joke

    😆 2
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  • [+] -15 points 7 months ago (6 children)

    This is only true under the assumption that ADHD is only to the detriment of the person. I don't believe that to be true at all. Unlike e.g. missing a leg or being blind, which don't really give any benefits at all, many people with ADHD are also very successful because it to drives them somewhere and makes them act because they simply have to.

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  • [–] 5 points 7 months ago

    Well i'm very good at my job because i hate bad interface. I'm "sucessful". Going to the bank is still extremely stressful for me. I don't think it's a superpower. These conditions are charzcterized by spikey profile with disabilities in some stuff and exceptional abilities in other

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  • [–] 5 points 7 months ago

    What am I supposed to do when there's enough bullshit happening to make a neurotypical stumble, and I just don't have the working memory and focus to keep up with 3-4 things at once?

    There's no "I didn't want to" in there.

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  • [–] 13 points 7 months ago* (3 children)

    Thanks for telling us you don't have a clue what psychiatric disorders are, because that's what you just announced by claiming ADHD is actually a benefit.

    Sure, some people with ADHD are successful despite their condition. Some people who are blind or paralyzed are successful despite their conditions, too. But that should never be the standard against which all people with those conditions are measured. That's ableism.

    And if you don't consider psychiatric disorders to be "real" disabilities, then fuck you, plain and simple.

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  • [–] -4 points 7 months ago* (2 children)

    You're clearly not reading what I'm writing, so I'll try being more clear.

    The behavior ADHD brings out actually has the potential to be a benefit. Whether or not it is for the individual is dependent on a lot of other factors, much of it during upbringing. I already stated this, I'm fully aware of it being a problem more often than not. But the potential for it to be a benefit is absolutely there. Being blind has no potential to be an actual benefit for you...ever.

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  • [–] 14 points 7 months ago (4 children)

    Yeh people with ADHD could just educate their parents and teachers about how their brains work differently. And how do they not just diagnose themselves and get the meds to function in a society that is clearly not made for them to succeed. Total failure that’s entirely their fault.

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  • [+] -6 points 7 months ago (2 children)

    There are still people with (varying degrees of) ADHD that are both normally successful or wildly successful. They did this likely not despite their ADHD but because of it. They probably grew up in an environment that allowed them to find a positive outlet for themselves so they achieved behavioral patterns that utilized it to drive them forward instead of it getting in the way.

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  • [–] 10 points 7 months ago

    If they are wildly successful they were most likely born rich like the vast majority of wildly successful people. That would be the environment where they can succeed despite barriers. ADHD does not promote effort, the inability to stay focused and succeed is one of the criteria.

    ADHD does let me think creatively about stuff because my mind races about all the possibilities and make uncommon connections, but that is because of all the coping mechanisms I have had to develop while working in a society that absolutely crushes people with the symptoms of ADHD. If autopay wasn't a thing I would be missing bills constantly for example, it is a work around for the tediously large number of things that society expects everyone to remember and manage.

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  • [–] 7 points 7 months ago

    ADHD is not a superpower. No one is wildly succeeding because of any level that cannot be discounted by survivor biases. Show me the hard numbers to back up what appears to be third hand anecdotal claim or with all kindly and due respect, go fuck youself.

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  • [–] 3 points 7 months ago

    ADHD adds obstacles and barriers, where 'failures' can be due to simple things like trouble memorizing people's names instantly when you first meet them because not meeting social expectations counts against you.

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