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Quick question about HRT and sexual orientation. (lemmy.world)
submitted 1 year ago by to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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My partner is concerned that I'm going to suddenly start being attracted to men once I start on the trans-mission fluid. Apparently she keeps reading Reddit posts about people who's sexual orientation changes after they start hormones. How common is this? I can't personally think of a word in which I would be attracted to men. Honestly it kinda crosses me out. I did go through a period where I decided to see if I was bisexual and slept with a couple of dudes, but I found the experience really off-putting. Have any of you ladies experienced a switch in sexual orientation? If so, from what to what?

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[–] 6 points 1 year ago* (8 children)

My orientation didn't change (I was bi before and bi after), but my experience of sexual attraction changed dramatically, I went from not being capable of much attraction to men to very obvious / overt attraction to men.

I knew I was theoretically bi and not fully straight before I transitioned, but there was never a time that I saw a boy or man and felt sexually attracted to them. I never had a crush on a boy or man, etc. and I would never actually want to have sex with men, etc. - so I was a 1 on the Kinsey scale (predominantly attracted to the opposite sex, women, only incidentally attracted to men) before I transitioned (this assumes I was "heterosexual" by being attracted to women, though my experience before I transitioned was as though I was a kind of lesbian, so ... I don't know, I just call it opposite sex because that's what everyone else saw - I don't mean it to represent more than that).

After many months on estrogen, I started to be able to see men in a completely different way, and could feel sexual attraction to men similarly to the way I could feel attraction to random women. I remember in particular walking onto a plane and walking down the aisle and looking up and seeing an attractive man and feeling that flush of sexual feeling / attraction and realizing: oh, that's never happened before.

I don't think this was a psychological shift due to being more open due to transitioning or anything, this was a biological change due to the hormones. I had lived as a woman for months before I started estrogen, and I experienced plenty of psychological changes and opening up during that time, but increased attraction to men didn't happen until many months on estrogen.

Not everyone experiences this, by the way, and it's impossible to know for sure how you will feel - but my understanding is the hormones don't change your sexual orientation, even if they might balance or alter sexual attraction. I'm much more bisexual now, and my attraction to women also diminished over time such that I have more equal physical attraction to both sexes. Regardless, I only have romantic interest in women and would never date a man, lol.

Either way, you can't control whether you start to feel physical attraction to men, but you can control staying with your partner, and you are already capable of being attracted to other people than your partner and it will be no different after HRT. I've never heard of someone's sexuality entirely reversing, i.e. starting off attracted to women and then becoming exclusively attracted to men - I'm pretty confident that's not possible, even if it is possible for incidentally bisexual women like me to become ... more bisexual.

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 1 year ago (6 children)

    I think I would be considered more gynosexual. But I've only been romantically attracted to feminine minds. And physically attracted to feminine features which is heightened by a feminine smell. I can actually tell when a woman is pregnant by the effect their smell has on me.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (5 children)

    You just don't know what it will be like ... a lot of my attraction to women shifted over time ... it turns out being a repressed woman made me react to women with a kind of obsessive reverence that diminished once I became a woman - but the changes were not a complete reversal into only wanting to date men ....

    I know some trans women feel more like women when they date straight men, and that's a real psychology, but even though I'm bi and now attracted to men, and I would feel validation as a woman by dating a straight man, I still wouldn't do that (even if I were single).

    Like you I just love and trust women, I could see sex with men but a relationship would probably be harder to make happen. Even with my most sensitive queer male friends I struggle in the friendship in ways I don't with women - I'm just not cut out to date men, I want too much emotional intimacy and feel too much like a lesbian if that makes sense 😅

    Anyway, you should talk to your partner, getting lost about the details of sexuality changes on HRT misses the most important part, which is that they are feeling vulnerable and insecure, and reminding them that you will love them regardless of how your sexuality shifts could be helpful.

    edit: (and in my experience, you might feel vulnerable and scared of losing her, too, as you transition - my partner is pan and very supportive of my transition, but I still felt scared and vulnerable when I transitioned, they are huge changes and it makes sense both people might worry the relationship could be impacted or romantic interest might not be the same as it was, etc. - I certainly became a very different sexual partner, but in the end it worked for my spouse and she is very happy with my transition)

    edit2: also might be worth exploring why it matters to your partner whether you experience attraction to men, I keep forgetting how common it is for cis straight people to have misconceptions about gender and sexuality, she might fear your gender stuff is actually repressed homosexuality, it's also possible she doesn't believe bisexuality is real and that if you experience attraction to men that you will really be a gay man rather than a bi woman - might be worth getting clarity on what the beliefs and concerns are on her end.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago (1 child)

    and I would feel validation as a woman by dating a straight man, I still wouldn’t do that (even if I were single).

    I expected the same, but I felt the opposite when I was dating my last boyfriend. When people saw us, they didn't see our queerness. And I absolutely hated that loss of queerness. I had spent a lifetime repressing it, then even after I came out, it still took me time to accept my own queerness. Eventually, I did, and I found power and joy in it. Then I started dating this guy, and just like that, it was invisible to pretty much everyone. It felt like stepping out of one closet and in to another. The second closet was more comfortable than the first, but it was still a closet, and I didn't want to be in it.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

    that's pretty interesting - I guess being in the closet as a trans woman made me appear to be in a cis-het relationship with a woman, so I could totally understand feeling some ick around going back to that ... but I am still too stuck in the pragmatism of passing as cis (and relatedly as straight) - I don't like looking queer or being perceived as queer (and I don't generally feel a belonging to the queer community - though I try anyway, lol)

    my hang-ups / struggles are probably from self-loathing and internalized transphobia as well as just more practical considerations about not enjoying the discrimination that I experience when perceived as queer (and the fear of violence, etc.)

    all this to say, I like the closet, thank you 🙈

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 1 year ago (2 children)

    She's bisexual. But she's been spending too much time on Reddit. I wouldn't say I look at women with any sort of reverence. More a sort of insatiable hunger. A bit like the way a fat kid looks at an all-you-can-eat cake buffet.

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  • [–] 2 points 1 year ago* (1 child)

    honestly that sounds a bit dismissive, reddit isn't the problem here, you should talk to her about what her actual fears and concerns are - she's seeking our reddit content to confirm her fears and it might help to talk to her and reassure her

    also couples counseling is a good idea, it helps create space for discussing and exploring these kinds of things which helps

    and yeah, I doubt your attraction to women will disappear with estrogen, even if I think you should be prepared for the possibility of changes to the way you experience that attraction

    estrogen made me much less receptive to visuals and more turned on by context, if that makes sense

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  • [–] 2 points 1 year ago

    I think this is a really wonderful way of putting it- it's very much in line with my experience too. I did start off as bi though, specifically in regards to femboys. I still don't find myself romantically attracted to men, but it's become somewhat common for me to see certain men and be caught off guard with an "oh fuck, that guy is hot 🥵" feeling like I have with women. I'm still not necessarily in a spot where I want to be sexually active with men, but the attraction is there.

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