Yep.

It sucks, it isn't fair at all, but ... this is how generational trauma works, fucked up parents fuck up their kids, who fuck up their kids, etc etc.

Fo what its worth, I believe in you =D

I was raised by narcissists... I did great in school, got multiple college degrees, either excelled at or did decently at every other random hobby or sport or skill my parents demanded I learn... it was never enough for them to even acknowledge that I had done and learned all these things that they never did, that their parents mocked them for not being able to do... never had my opinion respected in the realms of any of these things they negged me into becoming either an expert in or gain advanced knowledge of, compared to them.

Eventually I had a nervous breakdown, and went no contact. Lots of therapy. Lots of work on reframing my view of myself... realizing that their insane standards were in fact insane, massively hypocritical... learning how to love and respect myself, learning my way out of impostor syndrome, affirmations, meditation, focusing on simple things that make me happy, on recognizing my own achievements.

And hell, sometimes it still comes back, and I have a bad day, feel like I am a failure... it isn't easy.

Kudos to you for recognizing it and even trying to become better, I think you're doing great.

But at the same time: When you recognize your own trauma responses kicking in... its ok to take a step back, give yourself some space, say a few 'gooosfrabas', breathe slowly and with intent, whatever works for you personally.

For a while, for me, journalling helped a lot. No matter how minor or seemingly inconsequential, just once a week write down everything you managed to do.

I found that a lot of even ... seemingly basic things, like... making and sticking to a budget plan, paying bills on time, doing regular minor excercise, making a decently healthy meal plan... these things are actually shockingly uncommon amongst the broader population, and if you can clear those hurdles alone, you're being more responsible than... basically the majority of the US adult population, haha, so you can and should give yourself credit for all the little things.