Okay, being Virgin is fine, you are overriding your evolutionary directives.

Okay got it, thank you

Just a heads up, Google Drive links have tracking, if you can host the document elsewhere I think that would be a good idea for you and your audience.

Naw I want to stay a virgin

have a go at wanting to want to want. see how that works out

You have a stable and loving home so that is good. It sounds like your brother needs some outside help. You didn't go into detail, but I am hoping he is on disability. The plan should be for him to transition to supervised living, if he is capable.

This is your parents responsibility, but that doesn't mean you can't support them. You are correct to be concerned about his well being after they pass and you seem to have realistic expectations for yourself which is healthy and good.

I am sorry to hear that you are trans in a red area, it is hard to be this even in more accepting areas. You make a good point about financial independence and I think you should be looking to get into a lucrative career that will work for your situation.

It is okay to be socially awkward. You can and will make friends if given the right opportunities. You didn't mention any hobbies or passions you have. That is where many of my friendships came from.

As far as philosophy, that stuff can be important, you really need to work on yourself to get into a better head space. I do not think you are in a healthy enough place to really figure out the meaning of life and all that. Keep on learning, but don't dwell on it and focus on what you can do to improve your situation and those of the ones you love.

I don't see a mess here because your story is similar to so many other people it isn't funny. You should stop beating yourself up and start loving the person you are. From everything you said you are a good, caring, and loving human being. Don't throw that away because of societal expectations.

This is very relatable haha. I don't have much time though, so I'll keep it short.

For 2, don't hesitate to reach out to mutual aid groups. A lot of trans people help each other getting money to combat homelessness or afford HRT. DIY HRT groups are also more supportive in that regard.

For 3, I'm not sure how to fix that either. It's hard, but to make connections, I usually open up about my hobbies or inquire about theirs, and get into it too. I still end up feeling alienated to the group in the end, so I'm not sure if it's that great of an advice.

For 4, I'm not sure if I'm reading this properly, you seem to have a pretty deterministic view of things. Existentialism is scary, because it gives you full agency. It's what made me realize that I had the power to chose for myself. It feels daunting, but sometimes, it's what you need. Your a person in certain circumstances, and now you can chose what to do about it.

I wish I could provide advice but all I have is: holy shit I am so sorry. Being trans in a red state is rough enough as it is, but having to deal with everything you’ve got going on on top of that is hell just imagining it.

I’m in genuine admiration you’ve made it this far, even if you’ve done so out of a sense of obligation. I hope you can have even a tiny moment of relief (from dysphoria, stress, any of it) and if you want internet hugs they’re here: 🫂

The chart is just a tangentially related image I found on Google images.

Thank you for the advice.

I like your flow chart. I chart things sometimes to try and help me visualize stuff. But of all the different things you could try, the different things you could research or perspectives you could have, every single one of them converge to a single point.

Taking action.

Theres no magic secret to this. You can try thinking about it in different ways (is waiting in line at the clinic better or worse than slowly dying a very painful death cuz i never went to the doctor?) or different motivations you could try to create (i should practice self-love by taking care of myself medically) or plenty of other strategies. It all eventually boils down to taking action. And there is no way to bypass this.

Personally I like to think about the reason WHY im doing something. Im not trying to get insured cuz it'll make me money, or that it's easy or fun, im doing it because I've decided that my mental health is in need of some help, and regardless of any obstacle that might pop up along the way, I WILL see it done. Take those little wins and give yourself some grace to make mistakes.

Good luck friend, hope any of that helped.

Yes. You can see where the problem is.

Well that's just 4 things

I do agree with you. At least on principle.

I might've been inprecise in my wording. I don't THINK I can't talk to people. I don't WANT to talk to people.

spoiler

I don't want peas, I don't like peas, I would rather starve than eat peas type of mentality.

What I am doing right now can't really be considered "talking to people", since it's not talking (it's writing), and I can't even verify I am conversing with a human. And even so, that human will never meet me in real life. It's different.

So it's not that I CAN'T do it, it's that I really, really, REALLY don't WANT to. On a level that it almost physically hurts to try. Now, I know that is not a logical stance, I am looking for a way to get out of it. If using facts and logic to get out of it doesn't seem to work, maybe I need something illogical. Could that work? I don't know. But I'm willing to try a lot, as long as it doesn't involve actually going outside.

The distinction between thoughts and feelings is important. Feelings cannot be disagreed with. I think it would be more correct to say you don't THINK they prevent you. Thinking that you can't talk to people doesn't prevent you from talking to people. We do things all the time we didn't think we're doable. You keep saying you can't but there's no evidence for that. There's evidence that you haven't done what you needed to in the past but that doesn't mean you can't do it in the future. I have gone through what you're going through for most of my life. I still do. So yes, I feel you, but narratives are everything. It's not a fact that you will break down. That is a choice. Internal narratives can be chaotic but you can steer them.

While it is correct that none of my issiues are physically preventing me from what I need to do, I FEEL like they do. And I've learned that I can try to ignore or explain my feelings, but that doesn't really stop them from affecting me. If I feel terrible and can't talk to people, I feel terrible and can't talk to people. And no amount of reasoning in my head can get me out of it. And I can't exactly dismantle this little voice inside my head that tells me how terrible I am being to everyone and myself by not doing anything. Because logically, I am being terrible. I am a problem to someone else, and it makes me feel bad. And I seem to be unable to not be a problem. If only I had someone to reassure me, or be with me in public places, I wouldn't feel so stressed going out. But that would be a problem to someone. They would need to take their own precious time and sacrifice it for me. Because I can't do it myself. Because I can't function in socety. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I don't think I even deserve that kind of help. I definitely don't, now that I think about it. I have nothing to give in return but a "thank you".

I'm also stressed because I know I'm going to get yelled at and insulted again for not going out and not doing what I was supposed to do.

And also, I don't want to have a meltdown in public. It's fine when I scream and cry at home, not so fine when I do it at the unemployment office. You feel me?

But thank you for the advice. I can at least try.

Something I learned in therapy: thoughts create feelings. Internal narratives control everything. Don't treat them by giving yourself positive affirmations, but instead confront your thoughts. Actively dismantle them. None of the reasons you listed truly prevent you from doing what you need to do. Idk if this is true for you, but for me, sometimes when I encounter a problem, I start thinking of how to explain the issue to someone instead of thinking of solutions or taking the basic first steps that crossed my mind. Which is incredibly unhelpful and ends up creating a more complicated narrative.

Also, we don't need to be productive all the time. If your not getting the basics done then that's a problem, but there is a lot of unhealthy pressure out there to just be MORE productive. We procrastinate for a reason. It's so we don't use more energy than we truly need to. When things become important enough we take care of them.

Not a medical doctor here, but... four medications isn't an insane amount. Depression is a character trait in my family and being on 3-5 different medications isn't out of the ordinary. The question is, is this an experimental treatment (checking what works) or a treatment that is meant to be sustained. Many doctors give antipsychotics just in case or to help with sleep. I myself take antipsychotics for that exact reason. I literally can't sleep without them.

As far as I know, it's completely normal to do a med-combo, not sure how common yours in particular is, but balancing meds is a thing that I've encountered (with a few different doctors).

What I'd personally be worried about in your situation is your liver and stomach (not paranoid, just some healthy concern). Taking a lot of meds can impact that. But like I said, I'm not a doctor, just a semi-professional patient and a medical practitioner (my field has to do with muscles and joints, not the brain, so I guess I could've left that part out. Guess I wanted to justify my diploma). Cheers. Hope my rambling helped in some way.

How is that 9,600 lumens? That looks like barely more than 600 lumens.

You cannot look at it directly because it is so bright. What you are seeing is the result of my phone correcting the image

How is that 9,600 lumens? That looks like barely more than 600 lumens.

I have been obsessed with light for decades now. My own home office has four 4,000 lumen corn lights - for a total of 16,000 lumens - running at 6,000 kelvin of colour. Along with medical-grade whiter-than-white paint, that means I get insanely bright daylight-like conditions.

Unless the photo is badly janked, what you have there barely rates as a 40W incandescent. A 9,600 lumen light should have so much of that light reflecting off of the ceiling that Grogu would be brightly illuminated from the reflection alone. You would have difficulty making out the darker portions of the wall where the light did not directly shine, just from the ceiling-reflected light.

To put it into perspective, that light ought to be the equivalent of 6 incandescent 100w light bulbs. And it is nowhere near that brightness. 960 lumens, perhaps. But not 9,600.

It's always just been the Grogu helping, but now he can be seen better.

And a grogu, he helps too I’m betting

Man, what a life you led, sorry you had to live through that. I guess persistence is the way to go, and I will persist, while I do have suicidal thoughts, I don't have it in me to actually go through with it. It's just so annoying that there's no actual solution, I could be doing so much more, for myself, for my family, and yet I have no strength or will. I'd love for my son to be able to live life instead of just persisting.

I was diagnosed witu depression as a teen in 1989 with a further diagnosis of PTSD some years later. I have been given all the meds and have seen multiple therapists over the years. Nothing works. Nothing "fixes it". The only effective course of action (for me) has been persistence.

For two years (~2011) it inexplicably went away. Just to fuck with me and remind me what being alive actually feels like before slowly sinking back into the mud. I have been off meds since 2018, after the misery almost killed me (heart failure). I beat it, and by the time COVID and cancer (2022) showed up, they didn't phase me.

So, my only piece of advice is, persist. Remind yourself of the things that are good in your life and focus on what you have control over. Focus on what you have not what you feel you should have. All the guilt and desire over how you should feel or how it should be, is going to do is make you proper miserable and probably make you miss out on a few good windows. IMHO

PS: Just because I learned to cooe without meds does not mean it's the right thing to do for anyone reading this. Consult your medical professional before messing with your medications in any way (obviously).

(I am not a doctor and none of this comment should be seen as medical advice) (all questions should be asked of yourself, with no expectation of response to this comment)

Why can't I find a reason to keep going for myself?

Based on the entirety of your post, it seems to me that you've never lived for yourself and still don't know how. I can relate. I need purpose, I crave it. And I'd imagine that's what you need too. Purpose. A reason for being. A thing which answers to the question "why are you?" in a way that satisfies you.

It fucking annoys me that I'm having to stay alive out of guilt for other people.

I've lived so many years in this empty state. It does no good. Guilt like this is a shackle that serves no purpose. It just traps us in a constant state of dread. For me, psychedelics like LSD and psilocyban (found in magic mushrooms) have been helpful to sort of "reset" my brain and mindset for a while. It's not a permanent fix but has been beneficial for me nonetheless. My refreshed mindsets tend to last for a few months and then fade out slowly. But this has been enough to help me make some small changes which can hopefully act as building blocks for further changes toward a life lived for myself. I'm still a work-in-progress (aren't we all though?).

There's nothing I find externally that fuels me with a passion for living

Forget "externally" for a moment. Is there anything which can fuel a passion in you? Ignore other people and their opinions; those are entirely irrelevant. No one else matters. What do you want for yourself?

my last attempt

Did you feel that "powerful" feeling? That "high" feeling? Like you can do just about anything? That feeling when you're like "I'm finally gonna do it. I don't care about anything else anymore. I'm gonna do it...I don't care about anything else anymore." When you feel that nothing else matters, that you're signing out for good, and that all of those concerns are nothing now. I'm not sure how best to word this and am hoping it makes sense to you.

I feel that life can probably be best lived on the edge of this world and that one. Like, if we're able to balance ourselves, mentally, on that edge, between caring about everything and caring about nothing. The ability to let it all go is a powerful thing, and so is the ability to care as much as we do about as many things as we do. There has to be a way for that balance to be possible. I feel as though my own attempts have allowed me to catch glimpses of such a thing, and my LSD and psilocyban trips have also helped, but it's still difficult to truly stay there.

If you can find it for yourself, I'd think it's a much better mindset than where you currently find yourself. And from there, you might see who and what and why you are. I think that's what truly matters.

I find a calm in me when typing things like this, and you might want to try typing your thoughts and feelings for yourself sometimes too. Poetry, stories of your life, stream-of-consciousness ramblings, whatever feels right to you. Maybe that can help you open doors within yourself that can bring you some sense of internal calm and direction.

I hope that something here can be useful to you, or others like us.

🩷

I get this somewhat. No where near as bad a situation as you but things in my life and the world get worse and worse and now as im getting old the only thing that keeps me going is my wife. without her im not sure what I would do. I only recently got prescribed ssri's but im going to talk with the doc about not taking them. my wife does not like the idea and I look into the possible physical dependency combined with iffiness on healthcare availability. I mean if it does not work then you are off them but if it does you will need higher dosages over time and then if you ever stop its worse the higher it got. ugh. I think im pretty set on just relaxing into the slow fall. Oh felt the same with suicide. The real problem is death is easy but living more horribly is aweful.