This is an unsent message to the mother of my ex who cheated on me. The mother doesn't know about the cheating, but she's accepted that we're not getting back together. To her, things just ended abruptly from the daughter's side without a good reason. However, she still messages me every now and then, to check up on me. And honestly I am tired of saying that I am doing better or ok. It hasn't been even a month since the break up. And it has been hard given that I am in a foreign country, My family, my close social circle are not here, I am not a very social person. And I can't keep asking the friends here to come and meetup so often. I haven't responded to the mother for a few days now. And she asked me if I am mad at her? I don't know how to respond, so here's a rant.

I am not mad at you. Please don't think that. It's just exhausting to write every time that I am doing good, when in reality I am not. How do you expect me to move on from this so easily? I wanted to do so much for your daughter. This is the person I loved, I planned to marry. She let me know that she had feelings for me too. She made me feel safe. We were living together. And look, how abruptly things shattered. How quickly she went from the person who loved me to the person who indifferently told me that she only lived with me because she couldn't afford to live anywhere else. She just left me here, alone in this apartment. She broke my trust. With how quickly she broke up, it shows she had no intention of repairing the relationship. As soon as things go bad she leaves. She thinks everyone is her enemy, even her loved ones, including you. You've tried for years to make her not think this way. but she still doesn't trust you. But you will always be there for her, I really wish you do. She needs help. But I have no one here. I am alone. I know you're trying to help me as well, and I am very thankful for it, but you remind me of her, you remind me of the connection that I have lost.

So I [M30] recently got out of a relationship [with F27]. You can check my post about it on my profile.

Here though, I want to focus on my mistakes with intimacy in particular. I want to understand how one should've acted in these moments.

When we were together, we engaged intimately. To me it felt genuine and healthy as well. Although at first I wasn't good at communicating, we talked and tried finding a balance.

To give a little context, I haven't had a lot of relationships, and I don't do hook-ups or stuff. So I think of myself as not very experienced when it comes to sexual intimacy. Growing up, I didn't have sex ed. And our cultures might've been different enough to have different unspoken rules that we needed to communicate more often. It was only in this relationship that I found out that I have this habit of waking in the middle of the night and waking her up (disturbing her sleep) and engaging in intimate activities. You can see the cracks in the relationship by this point.

Furthermore, she said her needs were not met. She said she felt as if she couldn't communicate anything during our sessions due to her bad past experiences with harassment.

Later on, we got a second bed to be able to sleep separately. I thought that'd be a good solution. And it worked for the time being. However, I noticed that she started to initiate more often, and asked to be intimate, to which I reciprocated positively whenever it felt comfortable. During these sessions, I tried to be as engaging as possible, asking if she's ok with every step, she responded as well. It felt genuine (but I guess it was only me). But even after this, she told me a couple days later that she regretted it. And I didn't know how to proceed from there.

To me it felt like every step I took was wrong. Regardless of whether she initiated or I initiated (something that I did less of after knowing about her experiences and her not wanting intimacy, etc), it always ended up in her feeling guilty.

English is my second language, and as I am learning another new language, I am noticing that my English is getting even worse. So please just don't mind too much on my lack of vocabulary when it comes to describing sexual activities in a not so explicit manner, like "sessions".

tl;dr: she [F27] cheated on me [M30] with a one night stand, I forgave her, but I guess she wanted to leave the relationship any ways and just be alone. I didn't try as much to stop her this time, I could see that she doesn't love me in the same way anymore. I just wanted to vent.

I am not saying that I am the best person out there. I've made mistakes. But I always tried to support in any way I could, and in the things that I couldn't, I kept trying to improve.

We had a good run, of about 1.5-2 years (keeping it vague). We had fights, we had good moments, little precious moments as well. But we both struggled in the early days of our relationship and even before. In the early days We mostly spend our time in my shared apartment, where I had a single room. It was big enough that we could spend our time there. But as I got a better job, we decided to move in together.

We found a place, we told each other parent's about us, both sides were supportive, things were going great, we were planning about our life together and even talked about marriage.

But I think I was blind. She struggled with keeping her job and studies. She has ADHD and depression, she also says that she has autism, but I hasn't been diagnosed. I struggle with understanding her views sometimes, but I try to improve. Sometimes I cannot tell in the moments when she's harsh whether I should take it as if she really means it or should I assume it's her attempt to escape the conversation.

It was a few weeks ago that we had another fight. She doesn't want to stay at a job where some of her co-workers are far-right in their behavior. Although in some conversations, I did agree that we can look for other jobs, and we tried to find other jobs. One day, as I was getting late for work, the fight started again on the same topic, and I said to her in a very indifferent manner that she should "just go to work". I think that was the moment when something shattered.

She left that day, for the whole day and night. I tried calling and messaging her, but she didn't respond. Even her family contacted me to know where she is. We all were worried. The next day she messages me that she did weed (she avoided it for years). I remained calm and just asked her to come home and we can talk, but she said that she doesn't want to remain in this relationship. I wasn't ready for this message, I was shocked. I asked her to at least talk with

The next day we met, and she told me that had cheated on me as well during that night from before (with a person that she's been engaging with at a therapeutic clinic that she signed up for as a patient). I knew about the clinic as well as this friend of hers, but I never suspected this. I trusted her.

I simply asked whether she loved me, I am ready to believe that this was a mistake. We can talk about this, we can try to build the relationship again. She said that she feels guilty and that she couldn't continue. But I insisted, thinking that if she does love me, and that there is still intention on fixing this, then we can work on this, despite the mistakes. Admittedly, I haven't been as supportive too, I want to be better as well for her, to be able to understand her, to be there for her when she wants someone to talk to. She said that she loves me, and we continued the relationship. I haven't told anyone about the cheating.

Things were fine during these days. She went to visit her cousin, who as about to leave in a week's time. However, just recently, she came home and said that she's found a different apartment, and that she doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. I didn't know what to say. I was already pretty feeling pretty homesick and was feeling down most of the day. But I think I knew that there's nothing to save in this relationship anymore. She doesn't love me. No point in asking her to stay. But I still asked her to talk, it didn't go anywhere. She left now, I'm here alone.