cross-posted from: https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/66240427

Haunting mom butt rule

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[–] 75 points 7 months ago (1 child)

Sounds like the one about the Canadian with the two assholes.

There was a Canadian guy, Johnny, who died in a workplace accident on a job site. His face was basically burned off by a molten metal spill and when the coroner was investigating he needed help identifying the body. He went to Johnny's co-workers and asked if they could identify him, everyone pointed to Mike, an American, and said they were good friends so they should ask him to do the identification. Mike is brought to the body, sees there's no face so he flips the body over, yanks down its pants. The coroner is freaked out, but Mike looks up and says, "nope, not Johnny. Johnny had two assholes."

The coroner is totally taken aback and just says, "uh, okay, I'm going to have to ask someone else, is there anyone else who knew him well?"

Mike says, "we'll, you can ask Joe, the other American. The three of us went out for beers every night after work."

So the coroner grabs Joe, and takes him to the body. Joe looks down, sees there's no face and then does exactly what Mike did and goes for the butt. He looks up at the coroner and says, "nope, I'm afraid this isn't Johnny. Johnny had two assholes."

The coroner is baffled and decides this time he needs to ask for clarification. "Mike said the same thing, and you have to know that sounds crazy. How could he have two assholes and how could you even know that!?"

"Well," Joe responds, "every night after work, me, Johnny and Mike would go out for beers. Every night, when we got to the bar the bartender would yell out, 'Hey, here comes the Canuck with the two assholes.'"

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  • [–] 25 points 7 months ago

    Someone negative is now out of the picture: That ass is gone! "Mommy, what's ass?" Another word for butt.

    I know Mom has a butt, because everyone has butts, but she said "that butt is gone", meaning she must have had a second at some point. Concusion: Buttectomy must have been performed, which is an oupatient procedure, thankfully.

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  • [–] 20 points 7 months ago (3 children)

    If this kid has any younger siblings, maybe they overheard a joke between the parents while mom was pregnant. Something about two heads/butts and four arms/legs.

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  • [–] [S] 5 points 7 months ago (2 children)

    It's like the dancers say: two butts are better than one

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  • [–] 16 points 7 months ago

    I knew a woman who had two young (pre-teen) daughters. For whatever reason, she taught them to use the term "front butt" for their vaginas.

    Maybe this kid's mother had a hysterectomy and explained it as losing the front butt (although I know that's not correct, it may have been a simple explanation for a small child).

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  • [–] 12 points 7 months ago

    What's so confusing? She had a single buttectomy.

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  • [–] 9 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (2 children)

    Maybe she had an absolutely insanely gigantic butt, the size of two butts from a child's perspective, and she got liposuction so now she has one normal-sized butt.

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  • [–] 9 points 7 months ago

    Im going with a speech impediment mispronounciation of "bird".

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  • [–] 2 points 7 months ago

    Spuds most likely. She ate one.

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  • 16 comments in c/onehundredninetysix@lemmy.blahaj.zone view that post
    [–] 52 points 7 months ago

    You just say "that's impossible" and after you will know everything

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  • [–] 37 points 7 months ago (1 child)

    Kindergarteners say some interesting things. The amount of times I had to “yup, okay, anyways this neat (redirection)” were daily. But you work with them long enough and you know their family secrets without asking for sure.

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  • [–] 24 points 7 months ago*

    I know a 5 year old that came in proudly telling everyone, “When I grow up, I’m going to be a dwarf!” He then held his hand lower than his current height and said, “I’ll be this tall!” He’s short, sure, but he’s not in the little person height range.

    I think somewhere between him talking about dwarf planets, and his short height, somebody probably said it as a joke and he took it seriously.

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  • [–] 23 points 7 months ago

    When is her rebuttal expected?

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  • [–] 13 points 7 months ago (4 children)

    To hazard a guess, mom (now dad?) lost a 'front butt' and had it replaced. Never had to explain transitioning to a young kid, but I could see that being a way.

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  • [–] 1 point 7 months ago (1 child)

    it took me multiple seconds to comprehend "front butt", i feel like i've heard it before and been flabberghasted by it. Is this is a normal expression in some places?

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  • [–] 1 point 7 months ago

    I don't know about normal or common, but I've heard it a few times used to describe a vagina to little kids. Everyone has a back butt and can understand the basic structure, but young boys particularly asking where babies come from could use some help understanding the mechanics.

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  • [–] 12 points 7 months ago (1 child)

    Maybe she needed to get rid of one because it had a crack in it?

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  • [–] 9 points 7 months ago (3 children)

    Butt is already the sexiest part of human body. I just dont have enough imagination to see how sexy it would be if person had two butts.

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  • [–] 6 points 7 months ago (2 children)
  • [–] 6 points 7 months ago (1 child)

    What if that's not so linear? We need to get to the bottom of it!

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  • [–] 1 point 7 months ago

    it's definitely not linear because at some point it becomes an eldrich monstrosity, it's presumably logarithmic.
    2 butts is better than 1, but not twice as good, and at 4 butts it starts becoming a negligible improvement.

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  • [–] 2 points 7 months ago

    ..,LOL.. i literally laughec out loud...

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