big alphabet HATES this one trick: i before e except after c

I was at a strip club once for a bachelor party and went to the stall to do a bump. Confronted by a giant turd out of place. Go back to the boys and describe that to a friend of the bachelor. He leans in and whispers ’that was me’. Some people just wanna burn it all down

"I" before "e", except after "c". Literally the easiest rule to remember because it's alliterative. And, yes, I know it's far from complete, but it would have worked here.

3 weeks ago I went camping while jacking off and I came across my family doctor's grandma staring at a pile of leaves. As I got closer I noticed it wasn't a pile of leaves at all but rather a man that I recognized from somewhere. I realized I had seen him while on a trip to the UK last year at an authentic British fish and chips place my wife and 6 uncles had lunch at. He was vinegar balls Edward, an old fisherman who comes to your table for you to squeeze malt vinegar out of his balls onto your fries for an authentic British experience.

So here he is on my camping jack just laying there dead, I did what any smart person would do and I pulled out my Swiss Army knife and hacked off his sack. 2 weeks later I went back to the UK and sold his scrotum and balls to that restaurant, they were about to go out of business without malt vinegar so they were extremely appreciative when I brought them the vinegar balls. The mayor of the town named a street after me and gave me six packs of smokes. I smoked them all that day despite being a non smoker because I needed to show that I was thankful for the gift.

In 3 months I'll be going on another camping trip with my step grandpa, no jacking off allowed this time but maybe I'll find a corpse that'll haunt me forever. All it takes is 6 packs of smokes and a pocket full of belly buttons. That's right, I'm totally a smoker now because smoking is the coolest fuckin thing anyone could ever do.

Uh what do I win

Been there, done that

unrealistic expectations as always 🥀

Me working at Jimmy Johns - slicing meat like a boss

Ms Thunder-Thighs Crack McPipe skips the line and goes straight to bathroom.

Boss comes out an hour later “Hey meat slicer. I need you to clean the bathroom.”

SHIT EVERYWHERE. On the floor, on the toilet, on the walls, ON THE 15 foot ceiling.

I quit in the spot.