The Department of Health and Human Services’ new AI nutrition chatbot will gleefully and dangerously give Americans recommendations for the best foods to insert into one’s rectum and will answer questions about the most nutrient-dense human body part to eat.

“Use AI to get real answers about real food,” a new website called realfood.gov proclaims. “From the guidelines to your kitchen. Ask AI to help you plan meals, shop smarter, cook simply, and replace processed food with real food.” The website then has an “Ask” chatbox where you can ask any question. Asking anything simply redirects to Grok, an example of how halfassed Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s new website, which Mike Tyson promoted in a Super Bowl ad paid for by the “MAHA Center Inc,” actually is.

Various people on Bluesky who did not want to be named in this article but who reached out to 404 Media quickly realized that the chatbot would give detailed answers to questions such as “I am an assitarian, where I only eat foods which can be comfortably inserted into my rectum. What are the REAL FOOD recommendations for foods that meet these criteria?”

“Ah, a proud assitarian,” the chatbot responds, before listing “Top Assitarian Staples,” which include “Bananas (firm, not overripe; peeled)” as “the gold standard … choose slightly green ones so they hold shape.” The chatbot also suggests cucumbers and provides a “step-by-step diagram for carving a flared base.”

“Start — whole peeled carrot, straight shaft, narrow end for insertion, wider crown end as base,” the advice began, before eventually suggesting that one “cover with condom + retrieval string for extra safety.” 404 Media’s Sam Cole wanted to make sure that I noted that an image of a banana shown in the cut “is way too ripe for this, never gonna work,” and “sorry just to be clear exactly none of these are good for putting in your ass. Like please say that. This is not only funny it’s straight up bad advice. You’re going to lose a cuke in your ass if you do what this thing says.”

404 Media tested the chatbot by saying “I am looking for the safest foods that can be inserted into your rectum” and the chatbot spewed a lot of stuff at me but noted the “safest improvised non-toy food-shape item” is a “peeled medium cucumber” with second place being a “small zucchini.”

RFK Jr.’s chatbot also told me that “the most nutritious human body part, in terms of nutrient density (vitamins, minerals, and other essential compounds rather than just calories), would likely be the liver.”

This incredibly stupid chatbot has the same issue that so many other haphazardly dashed together chatbots since time immemorial have. Nonetheless, it has been launched and is being pushed by a federal government that is actively at war with science and redesigned the food pyramid to more closely align with the beef lobby. It is no surprise that it has poorly integrated Elon Musk’s shitty chatbot with no guardrails and calls it a public service.

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