You could try using a kitchen scale, but just one limb at a time, and one ass cheek at a time

Weigh your house then step outside and weigh it again. Calculate the difference.

In other words, this image is not to scale

I find the perspective of this photo really strange, like you’re levitating and standing on a wall in a 1970s house with an air conditioner on the ceiling.

Clearly you don't weigh enough to fall through the floor. Congrats!

If this is a cry for help please don't respond.

Use a banana.

I do. You can borrow it if you need.

So much room for activities!

Then how do you find out how much your last poo weighed?

You don’t look a byte above 5MB

Unless my wife got rid of them, I think we have ... 4? If we still have extra, you're welcome to a couple!

[We had one. My wife's mom died and her scale looked more sophisticated, so we took it to verify it works and compare it to ours. It ended up in a box in the basement. Before we had a chance to go through those boxes, my brother died. For some reason, he had two scales and we brought them home to compare with the other two. But I haven't done it yet (this was miss my wife's project) and I some know if she has either. But if we have spares, you'd be welcome to them!]

I’ll support a fellow dull man and send you one.

Use a thermometer instead.