ER nurses going into the fetal position upon seeing this in the store.

You won't believe me. I shitted that.

It is a very common thing to have people shoves these up their ass during the holidays (and end up in the ER)

Splinters

I'm not but your mom is fearless.

If you're so worried about the half-and-half putting you in the hospital, just check its sell-by date before you buy it. No big deal.