I can understand that. And I can understand perhaps not euthanizing him would prolong his suffering that may have gotten worse. Please be gentle with yourself. Perhaps you can write him a letter explaining the complexity of the decision, why you made the decision, and how you feel, now. Tell him you love him. Tell him anything else. Then maybe put it with his box at cremation, or whatever you want.

I think these feelings may be with you a while. Let it be a reminder of your love. You made this decision from a place of love. That's a serious unselfish decision. When these feelings arise, hold space for them, if you're in the appropriate time and space to do do, and hold space for yourself. I know you're a kind, gentle person because of some exchanges we had elsewhere. I bet your boy knows it, from 17 years with you.

You and your family are in my thoughts. I wish you pace and healing. 🫂