You are allowed to actually want to feel better, you know that right?

Doing things that feel good will be weird at first, you've been punishing yourself for a long time, but breaking out of this self flagellation ritual you've built around your life will be worth it, if you can let yourself.

Let's try some other what if's.

What if safe sex in a professional environment, with no emotional strings attached to hurt you with, actually makes you feel better?

What if practicing talking to women in a safe way like this, actually gives you the confidence to talk to other women?

What if you find a sex worker you click with and maybe you see her once or twice a month over the course of a year, and in that time you get comfortable with interacting with women and with sex and you not only learn how to be good in bed, but also how not to hate yourself?

If you don't try, you'll never know.