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Exploring sexuality within a closed monogamous relationship. Questions(s)? (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 1 year ago by to c/lgbtq_plus@beehaw.org
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So, I realized a Lil while back, (2+y) I'm mtf trans. My spouse and I have been together ~16 years and now she's committed to seeing this through and seeing how things end up because she loves me, not my flesh necessarily. But, she's concerned because we grew up with a very strict, conservative, religious background and did always consider ourselves cishet.

She loves me for me, but is worried about the future and super curious about exploring her sexuality to figure out if she's as straight as she thought (she's also had some do I want her or to be her thoughts).

Main point is, does anyone have any suggestions for how she can explore and figure things out without opening the marriage, and preferably without porn?

I'm still struggling to understand the romantic and sexual attraction spectrums and where I fit in the, but she seems very high on the romantic spectrum as in, she can't imagine being intimate without a serious relationship.

I don't know. I'm just looking for options to help her figure herself out, and us out, while I figure myself out too.

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[–] 11 points 1 year ago* (3 children)

So just sexuality or kink things too (kink is not inherently sexual)?

Generally speaking though you're going to want to do reading up about things, watching videos (on youtube), listening to podcasts and really thinking about what it is you like, if possible without the gender binary and that whole performance etc.

Try to take yourself back to basics, what you fantasise about, how you like to be touched etc. Really explore ideas and concepts from the base of your psyche without lumping all the societal bullshit on top, if possible. It will take time and it'll probably be a struggle and take effort but it might improve things for you in general, whether or not you decide that you can only be a certain sexuality. I've found for me that exploring things through queer ungendered erotica with heavy emphasis on care, consent and communication can be useful but you did say no porn, so 🤷‍♀️.

Also, talk about things with each other without judgement, that'll help a lot.

Hope this helps!

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  • [–] 1 point 1 year ago

    Really explore ideas and concepts from the base of your psyche without lumping all the societal bullshit on top, if possible.

    Approaching my lived experiences of attraction as mere phenomena, was critical to (or was it the cause of, or rather the anticipation of?) finding them to be unbound by social constructs of gender, sex, or sexuality. Try not to mistake the map for the territory. The menu is not the meal.

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  • [–] [S] 7 points 1 year ago (1 child)

    Thanks for the advice!

    We try to be super open about all of this. I think a big point is that she recognizes and understands and supports my transition, but she's nervous she will be less attracted to me later and wants to explore how much of a possibility she really might be into women, but cannot see herself doing a one night stand situation, so we're a bit stumped on "how do we figure it out without actually having sex?" situation? Idk if it's even possible, just fishing for ideas for something I'm probably missing.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago

    Do you only experience attraction during sex? I feel it in my eyes when smiling, hear it when someone's face makes pretty noises, bounce off it when trying to hold a walking conversation and failing. Just be open to your feelings!

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