Hi Dad, this is hard for me to say, & I know it might be hard for you to hear, but I hate myself. I don’t like the person I’ve grown into, & it’s not because of anything you did wrong in fact, it’s the opposite. You gave me a good childhood. You were present, supportive, & loving. You helped me through school, college, my relationship, & advice for getting a good job. On paper I am doing well but I don’t feel that way. I tried to do everything right but I still can’t shake the hate I have for myself. That hatred that used to motivate me now just a heavy weight. I’m so quick to give up. I feel tired all the time, like I’m running on empty, even when I’m doing nothing. And the worst part is I can’t seem to push through it, even when I know something might make me feel better, I don’t have the energy or will. I just feel stuck doing things I don’t really enjoy since they don’t require any energy to do. I hate that part of me. For me, when things get hard, I now stall & I hate that about myself. I guess I’m reaching out because I want to understand how you’ve kept going. How have you always gotten up when you’ve felt miserable. I feel like you gave me so much potential & I’ve squandered it.
Before I went on medication I had a lot of mental issues. I still do. They are just manageable now. I think a lot about how normal everything felt looking back on my behavior and feelings. To this day I understand intellectually how I used to struggle, but emotionally I feel like nothing has really changed. But everything changed. I am in such a better place now. It's still hard sometimes, but I am lucky to be where I am now. I know how easy it would have been to stay in that place.
I never felt like I needed medical help. I went because those close to me thought it was a good idea. It was life changing.
I'm not saying your situation is the same as mine, but I understand. I would recommend talking to a psychologist. I never thought it would change anything. I'm so grateful to have been wrong.